Embarrassed, Glued and Back to Normal

Things that went down over the past couple of weeks:

~ It’s amazing how when you walk through the doors of a hospital for any sort of testing, like magic, any part of your body that used to be “private” instantly becomes a) topic of conversation, b) available for inspection by anyone who happens into an examining room at the time, c) pretty much CO-OWNED by the doctor, surgeon or radiologist during your stay.

~ Doctors tend to leave out minor procedural details even when you’re a person who asks a billion questions beforehand – like “Oh and we’ll be leaving a small stainless steel clip inside your breast to sort of mark the spot where we’ve performed your biopsy.” After a long audible gasp I asked, “Will I now set off metal detectors?” and “What if my body rejects it?” I was told, “You read too much. The first won’t happen and the second is impossible – you’re not getting a new liver.”

~ I used to think the most embarrassing test in the world was the sigmoidoscopy. During this process, you have to lie on your stomach with ass in the air while something equivalent to a fire hose is inserted into a place where it shouldn’t be. Pictures are taken with a tiny camera attachment and then you get to climb off the table, dress and go home just knowing that every person you run into could tell what you’ve just been through. Now? I’m not sure if that’s the worst test on the embarrassing-scale.

For my biopsy, I was escorted into a dimly lit examining room with the air conditioning turned to “Arctic” and was told to climb onto a table that is high up in the air (you need stairs to get on it) and then stick your boob through a hole in the table. You must assume this position while they jack up the table another foot or so, and then lay perfectly still for the next two hours while someone beneath you pushes computer buttons on a machine that inserts a small rod and scoops the bad things out of your embarrassingly dangling appendage. I deserved that run-on sentence; I truly earned it.

~ It was quite weird to have the doctor and her assistants working BENEATH me the entire time; hearing them talk amongst themselves as though they were in a wine cellar.

~ Throughout the process, you are continually receiving local anesthetic because it seems to wear off rather quickly. This feels just like the sting of an angry white-faced hornet – each time! I was asked beforehand if I’d like something to help keep me mellow and I said no. Knowing what I know now, I wish they would have just knocked me out completely.

By the way, if you think the numbing medicine eliminates feeling, you’re wrong. Oh it cancels pain, but I felt as though they were roto-rootering directly through to my back every time the machine clicked on.

~ They now use a substance called “skin glue” in place of sutures (for small incisions). I like this stuff, though I did get a little nervous that it might not hold together too well. I was wrong, and now my little battle wound (scar) will be quite minimal.

~ It’s probably not a good idea to plan a two-plus hour road trip in torrential rain and traffic right after your biopsy. We had to have my daughter to the airport in Queens by six the following morning and we thought it far better to just get a room in the area the night before than to travel on very little sleep in the middle of the night. I was still a bit shell shocked for our drive, but had the wonderful and caring company of Ed and SJ along the way, so all went well.

~ This was to be SJ’s first-ever flight and vacation away from the roost all by herself. She was meeting a friend who attends college in Savannah, GA and the two were driving back up the coast together. Not only did I have enough on my mind without knowing my test results yet, but I also have a “thing” about flying in general and this was the last thing I really wanted to see SJ do that particular weekend; especially for her first time, and especially alone.

~ A dense fog set in overnight and it was so bad that her flight was held up for two hours … the worst bit was that we didn’t get this news till she already got to her gate, so we couldn’t even wait with her. She had to sit there and anticipate amidst a group of strangers. The good news is that she is much like me when it comes to chit-chat. She became friendly with a young couple traveling with their twins. Yay SJ. All went well after take-off, but again, I was a bag of nerves till I heard she had landed in Georgia.

~ Because I knew I was having a bad, bad week already, I had decided I’d try to quit smoking. A week before my biopsy, I kicked off this great crusade and I must admit I surprised even me. I did an excellent job till suppertime, so I allowed myself one reward-cigarette after we ate each evening. I even tested myself a few nights and waited an hour or more before lighting up. This is a pretty good attempt for one who was smoking over a pack a day.

I really thought I had it licked until the drive to Queens that afternoon. When the rain was coming down in buckets and my lidocaine was finally wearing off for good, I caved in. The thing is, I know I will be able to do this once I set my mind to it … but clearly my mind was busy with other things that week. I haven’t tried since but I will.

Ed asked why in the world I would try to quit during such stressful times. I explained my special logic, which is rarely obvious. You see, I figured not knowing whether or not I might have cancer, and not knowing whether or not it might be the last week I spend with my child (yes, I’m THAT dramatic about flying), this was to be the single most stressful week of my life. Since I was already pushing it to the limit … why not get rid of it all at once; look it in the face (the stress) and say “Come on fucker, BRING IT.”

Oh how I wish I could have done a better job of it, but all things considered … I was pretty happy with my attempt. It would have been so cool to be able to say “Yeah man, look at me! I quit smoking during the single most stressful week of my life!” Instead I’ll just blog about how nice it would have been like a wannabe.

~ A very amazing thing happened during the week I had to wait for my results. A mourning dove decided to roost on our air conditioner ledge just outside the bedroom window. It was like National Geographic and Animal Planet every time I looked outside – I swear. What a show. We were able to see her sitting on her eggs, then her babies, then watch them as they ate (ew) and pooped and flew off for their very first time. I have photos and even a video clip which I’ll share in my next post.

The whole bird thing was like a special present just for me because I’d had a rough time of it. When I tell you that it worked on my mind like a tab of vicodin, I mean it. It was truly marvelous!

**I should mention here that the type of biopsy I had is called a stereotactic core needle biopsy. There are other types but they told me this was the best for my case. If anyone ever needs to have this procedure performed and they ask if you'd like to have sedation - say yes.**

"No quote this time ... this post is long enough!" Weary Hag