My Resume; It's Real and It's Spectacular

While sitting in an employment agency many years ago, I was filling out a job skills sheet when I was overcome with a case of inside chuckles. They always offer these pre-printed forms that include such items as “MS Word” and “Powerpoint.” Next to each item is a box that you either check or leave blank. What made me smile inside were visions of a form that might be more appropriate for someone like me to fill out – though I’m unsure as yet what the check-off options might read like.

When people create a resume, they start out with honesty (name and contact information) and ride that wave until the waters get choppy. They might play around with dates to avoid the dreaded “unemployed” time frame, or they may completely bypass jobs that are too embarrassing to admit to. I sometimes wonder if prospective employers would prefer a short bio from the applicant, telling what they can do, what they excel at, and what they wouldn’t do under any circumstances. Wouldn’t it be a more simple process?

Since my chuckle-fit at the employment agency stemmed from imagining what a true-to-life resume of mine might look like, I came home and decided to write one up, in story-telling format. Upon completion, I shared it with some choice friends at the time and they urged me to include it in my book “someday.” Since that time, I’ve continued to hold some rather unique positions, so in order to bring it up to date, I’d have to edit quite a bit.

In the meantime, I’d like to share some of the varied jobs I’ve held in the past thirty-five years. Before reading any further, I’d love for you to imagine yourself as an HR director receiving this piece from an applicant … then let me know if you’d take a chance on me.

My full-time working life began at fifteen years of age. I got my foot in the door at the New York Telephone Company back in the days when you dialed “O” and got a live person (who could actually assist you) ((with a smile in her voice)).

My next job was a receptionist at a posh Wall Street law firm. The year I started working there was only the second year in a row that they allowed women to wear slacks to work.

Following that, I took some temp jobs throughout the city, mostly as a telephone operator, a receptionist, and at clerical type work.

Then the fun began. I won’t be exact in the time frame from this point forward. I don’t have to be … this is purely for entertainment value, and I’ll entertain in any format I damned well please.

I have worked as executive secretary for the president of large and world-renowned advertising firm on Broadway.

I worked in a factory in Red Hook, Brooklyn. (took my life in my hands just walking to car every night)

I was a shill in Las Vegas.

I was personal secretary to one of Liberace’s protégés in LV and had the great joy of speaking to “Lee” many times on the telephone.

I was a telephone answering service operator (too many times and locations to list).

I waitressed at a Greek restaurant. This is where I learned many excellent swear words in Greek.

I was advertising director for a martial arts magazine called “World Tae Kwon Do.” They have since folded (no pun intended).

I was a junior dance instructor (jazz interpretive/tap). “Junior” meant they didn’t have to pay me much.

I was a classified sales rep at a shopper’s guide newspaper. Started out as a receptionist, moved up to administration then moved down to ad rep.

I managed a sandwich shop (Blimpie’s) in Seaside Heights, NJ.

I worked as a clerk/typist at a brokerage house on Wall Street and on Broad Street.

I sold snow cones and hawked pretzels at a stock car racing track (still love stock car racing).

I worked on a boardwalk behind a “spin the wheel” booth.

I was a screamer at a live house of horrors.

I was a cocktail waitress and featured ‘starlet’ at a swanky nightclub (can you say “Lady in Red?”)

I bartended at various corner pubs as well as the nightclub mentioned above. Excellent job if you enjoy people-watching.

I was a runway model for clothing for a new designer … exactly ONCE. I got paid for it ~ that makes it a job.

I sang at small clubs in the city, and at one hotel club in Las Vegas. (It wasn’t karaoke … I got paid)

I worked for a book publisher on Broadway. (they weren’t honest in their ad; I ended up being a go-for; it lasted about a month, but I worked for Robert Blake’s older brother - which made the job kind of cool).

I was a Chiropractic assistant; I enjoyed learning to operate the equipment, but couldn’t stand touching stranger’s bodies all day. Ew.

I was a costumed character for assorted parties and events. Though we weren’t allowed to use the real names of said characters, I was Barney, Mickey and Minnie Mouse, Elmo, Woody and Buzz (Toy Story), a crotchety nun, a grim reaper, both male and female gorillas, a cop, a Ninja Turtle, a wizard, a stork, Winnie the Pooh, etc. Nailing the various voices was one of my specialties. Many posts may spawn from this experience alone.

I worked as a newsroom clerk for a daily newspaper. I edited incoming copy and prepared it for print; collected disposition data from three courthouses on a daily basis; organized the religion section including church service listings, special events, etc.

I worked for a huge photo lab which dealt in mail order processing. There was one aspect of this job I will write about sometime soon; in a word – unique.

I currently work as a reservationist at a large aquarium. Strange as it may sound, this is the job I hope to one day retire from. Recent upheavals and stresses aside, I greatly enjoy my work.

Through all of these years, I’ve never had to sell my soul or my ass, and I wouldn’t have wanted to miss out on even one of these opportunities. I learned lessons from every job … met a lot of fine people and made a lot of connections. I have no regrets (okay, maybe being Barney). It’s been a very full, well rounded working career (meaning a career at working) and I’ve had a million laughs along the way.

I do believe I can be almost anything, almost anywhere, and be damned good at it ~ at least for a time.

The thing is, checking off little indicator boxes at employment agencies just isn’t going to capture the complete listing of experiences I’ve had in the work environment.

Sure I can run circles around MS Word or Powerpoint, but where’s the box that says “Can you order supplies in a Mickey Mouse voice over the phone while mixing the boss a mean drink, making him a kick-ass sandwich, and typing a report on the guy down the street who was arrested for DWI ~ all the while modeling a nun habit?”