September 19, 2005


I saw a commercial on television yesterday. A very pretty lady was pushing prescription medication for treatment of “dry eye.” She claimed, “You could have dry eye and not even know it … like I did.” I’m just going to hazard a guess that if we don’t know we have something, it can’t be bothersome enough for us to use a prescription drug. I wondered for a moment if I should just head to the doctor’s office every time I see a new advertisement? I changed the channel instead; it was cheaper.

Another commercial insults my intelligence too ~ apparently if a man over forty grows a salt and pepper beard, he will completely repulse any good looking woman. The good news ~ if he dyes his beard, he’ll probably get lucky. Does anyone with half a brain actually believe this crock of crap? And even if it were half true, wouldn’t it be cheaper to just shave the thing off, get some, then grow it back in hopes to meet someone who isn’t quite so shallow?

Never approach a Spanish speaking person with a question. Even if you’ve studied the language for five years, the rate of speed with which they respond may leave you with your jaw hanging open and the “oh crap it’s time to translate” receptor in your brain fried beyond help. Surely they do it to show off. (I’m just joking) (Or am I?)

House and auto alarms aren’t really a deterrent to thievery. People in the neighborhood just figure it was the wind and they spend the next thirty minutes cursing you out for allowing it to sound for so long. To burglars, the constant sounding of a house alarm is just further assurance that nobody’s home.

I like the “hi, how are you” line that most folks greet one another with in the U.S.A. It’s comfy and convenient. People screw me up all the time when they go and get creative, greeting me with “Hi, what’s new with you?” That one forces me to contemplate. The “hi, how are you” can be addressed quite simply with a “good, and you?” And it’s okay if it’s a lie, because nobody really pays much attention to the response anyway.

There is a certain type of wild mushroom (the amanita) that is so highly poisonous you could die within minutes of ingesting one cap. For this reason, mushrooms are the only food I will never buy in a natural food store. A sound-byte in my brain always tells me “what if they dug up the wrong kind?”

Speaking of mushrooms, I wonder how many people won’t eat them just because they grow in shit. If you stop to think about it, we all started out growing in a mix of our own waste.

I wish I could write brilliant poetry. If you can write brilliant poetry, you can also sing but don’t really require a voice. Case in point: Bob Dylan. Bobby could get up on stage and hum “Like a Rolling Stone” while chewing on sandpaper and his audience - oh, wait a minute, that’s pretty much what he does do.

Burger King really spoiled it for prom queens, beauty queens and anyone of true blueblood royalty. Anytime I see a crown now, I picture that twisted, plastic headed company spokesthing peering into a bedroom window. It doesn’t matter how pretty, how talented or how prestigious they are anymore; in my mind’s eye, if someone’s sporting a crown, they’re promoting greasy burgers and flat soda.

I miss childhood, but certain things just make me thankful to have moved beyond it. For instance, having learned and sung songs like “Rub a dub dub, three men in a tub.” That’s just plain disturbing.

I was fishing with a friend once and he caught a young large mouth bass that had half-swallowed the minnow bait. When my friend removed the minnow, it swam off happily. The bass didn’t fare as well and lie floating on the lake surface. I love that sort of irony. I meant to say if you’re easily offended by all-things-fishing ~ look away. Too late.

What’s with all the suing? People should have to pay the lawyer up front when they retain one for a flimsy lawsuit. That would free up the courts some. And why don’t grocery stores just post one of those disclaimer signs up front that reads, “This store is not responsible for slippery floors, falling produce, sharply edged canned goods or anything else that might send you off to an attorney in hopes of winning a lawsuit lottery.” Wouldn’t that let them off the hook?

When people fart in front of others, they immediately have one of two reactions; great elation or utter horror ~ depending upon the situation. Fart-indifference only seems to happen when one is completely alone.

I used to think the sky was a dome covering the earth. The stars were tiny little holes – imperfections. Little did I realize the rest of the universe is so wondrous and that all things in nature are fine tuned and filled with purpose; that WE are the imperfections.


Blogger Steve said...

The King freaks me out. If I was driving my car alone at night in the city and I looked back and saw some dude in a mask in the back seat, the last thing I'd do is eat anything he offered me.

Over 95% of lawsuits never make it to court. They usually settle, are withdrawn, or are d-wop-ped (Dismissed, want of prosecution). That being said, there are so many that are filed that do make it to court that the system is completely overbooked. Some of it is greed, some of it is true misunderstanding, but a lot of it is one person refusing to cooperate in the right manner.

I miss fishing. It's been so long.

Enjoy your day!

10:08 AM  
Blogger the Monk said...

Hey....nice one...enjoy reading your stuff...check out mine sometime, will ya?

10:57 AM  
Blogger Grant said...

I don't miss fishing. It occurred to me that you can buy fish, and in more varieties than what's available in the nearest pond. I spent most of my childhood in rural Kentucky, so we had a choice between semi-clean catfish and really nasty catfish.

11:52 AM  
Blogger Dave Morris said...

So, uh. I can stop using the hair dye? It really burns my jewels. (all body hair should match, right?)

Right on about the auto alarms. When one is blaring away, it's more of an irritant than a signal to check and see if a car is being stolen.

11:59 AM  
Blogger MYSTIC said...

Don't mention lawsuits to me. I get so frosted when I think about that type of stuff. The lady who poured coffee in her lap and sued McDonalds because they didn't mark the cup HOT. She got 8 Million. There was such a public outcry at the jury finding. The lil ole lady said it wasn't her fault that she got so much, she only asked for a million. FOR BEING STUPID? They should have hung the judge for allowing it in court.

2:06 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I was really enjoying your post and smiling until the last sentence. That was depressing...we are the imperfections. I'm going to go lay in bed and eat chocolate. Thanks for the excuse!

3:19 PM  
Anonymous John said...

Great Carol! Those damn BK commercials piss me off. The new one of the grease king running down the football field sucks! Too bad someone didn't tackle him and sort of crunch the king up real good eh? As for farting, one of lifes funnier things! Especially when it's someone else and in a place where it's real hush like a classroom! hehe... Im a bad boy...

5:02 PM  
Blogger Michelle said...

OMG, Carol they were brilliant!
Loved the 3 men in a tub...nasty LOL
And, the beard bloody stupid do they think we are?
As Steve said, most of the crazy lawsuits don't even get in the door....most who file out of sheer greed are happy with a small out of court settlement.

5:44 PM  
Blogger mrhaney said...

VERY GOOD POST CAROL. HOW ARE YOU DOING TODAY. oops i had the caps on. that doesn'y bother you does it? some say if you have caps on that means your yelling at the person your writing to. if i am going to yell at some one my words will let them know i am not happy with them.

6:55 PM  
Blogger Wicked H said...

Speaking of messing with the "hi, how are you" line, in the South my UPS guy completely threw me off guard with his reply to that greeting. He would say "fine! hope you are" and continue walking. The entire 9 years that I was there, I could not come up with a suitable response. It bugs me to this day.

Okay, I feel so much better now. Thanks Weary Hag!

Great post, as usual.

7:10 PM  
Blogger Alisa said...

yah... I think we're all in agreement that the Burger King - King is creepy.

I'm tired of prescription drug commercials.

What I'm really tired of though, are the commercials that play during EVERY commercial break. I think there should be a cap set on the amount of times one commercial should be allowed to play throughout a show.

I'm making an art out of being an imperfection.

7:24 PM  
Blogger Lightning Bug's Butt said...

The top was brilliant. The bottom was deep. Everything in the middle was entertainment.

You're the eclair of Bloggers.

I could read you all day.

7:29 PM  
Blogger katsmeow said...

Gotta admit, you cracked me up with the Three men in a tub one...I think it's my best friend's fantasy, actually...LOL! But I like the way you think!

8:04 PM  
Blogger Bekah said...

I always giggle when I fart -- even when I'm alone. There's no indifference unless I'm asleep, because then, you know, I don't know I'm farting and therefore it can't be funny.

10:01 PM  
Blogger lilly05 said...

The prescription racket is all about the hypochondriac public viewers! How many commercials have you seen that give only a hint of what the drug in question might actually do for you? For whatever reason the add industry have found that stupid men seel almost as much as sex. The problem shifted from stupid houswives with cleaning supplies to stupid men who have longsuffering smart S/O's...sick really and pretty insulting as well. After three years of spanish I haven't retained enough to ask an intelligent question and aside from "?Yo quiero Taco Bell?" that pretty much summs up the extent of my knowledge. Who needs an alarm? It just encourages some asshole to attempt and bi-pass your system. You hit it on the head about the auto-pilot of the American greetings! Noone really pays attention. Once again the Burger King rears his ugly head, *shudder* that has to be the most ooky publicity stunt to date! You're right 'shrooms ARE dangerous...lick a treefrog instead! Great post as always Carol! I'm impressed with the way your mind works once again.

10:06 PM  
Blogger kenju said...

Lightning bug's butt and I think alike! But for me, you are the Creme Brulee of bloggers (I prefer to eat that instead of an eclair!

11:30 PM  
Blogger Swifty said...

Hi Carol. what's up, how's it hanging, you good?

So a salt & pepper beard only repulses good looking womem? That's cool. That still leaves countless opporutnities for the over-forties who are not so shallow or even so stupid as to go for barbie doll women.

" used to think the sky was a dome covering the earth. The stars were tiny little holes – imperfections. Little did I realize the rest of the universe is so wondrous and that all things in nature are fine tuned and filled with purpose; that WE are the imperfections."

I see you're drinking from the half-empty cup.

3:55 AM  
Blogger brooksba said...


You rock! I'm always thrilled to find a new post on your site because I know I will be laughing and smiling.

I have problems with the "Hi, [fill in the blank with something other than 'how are you?']" I always end up just responding, "Good, how are you?" Then it seems like I just don't listen.

If we're imperfections, I'm glad that there are some. The differences make life exciting.

5:41 AM  
Blogger sidcruise said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

7:12 AM  
Blogger sidcruise said...

Funny musings, nice one , House alarm got me thinking ...

7:14 AM  
Blogger sands of time said...

I think grey haired men are sexy.

11:20 AM  
Blogger CarpeDM said...

Mmm. Creme brule.

I love when you do the ponderings.

I just don't like the taste of mushrooms (unless they are canned) and honestly, when you think of it, most vegetables are fertilized so the celery I am enjoying right now was possibly once covered in shit. Eww. Eh. Not worth worrying about.

I have never noticed that dying my hair helps me get lucky. I just do it for fun. Hmm. Maybe if I go grey, I will get lucky? Is it worth the experiment? Probably not.

I can say Feliz Navidad and muy guapo hombre. Doesn't get you far. Unless it's Christmas and you're telling Santa he's kind of cute, might get some more gifts.

Bob Dylan annoys the crap out of me. You described his singing style perfectly.

I am assuming that you do not think of the freaky Burger King King when you see me in my crown, right?

Well enjoyed post. I laughed muchly. Thanks!

1:01 PM  
Blogger katie said...

That stupid dry eye ad is so annoying! I always want to shout at her, "My dog has dry eye, and only needs artifical tears, not the 100 dollar crap you are hawking."
But then I realize I would be talking to a television.

2:11 PM  
Blogger t. durden said...

What those grey-hair commercials don't show you is the girls throwing themselves because of the bulge in his pants, and I'm not talking about a certain organ. Sad but there is a lot of folks that buy into that one. Don't get me started on that Enzyte commercial.

The burger king commercials with that "king" bugs me.

In my neighborhood, if you hear your car alarm going off, it is usually a good thing to check on it ... no matter how irratable it is.

Rub-a-dub-dub, three men in a tub. Right. Did you know that some of our kiddie songs have dark meanings. Ringa-ring of roses was actually about the "plague". Wonder what dark derivation was that rhyme from. Ok, maybe I'm reading too much into this.

I agree with you on the "brain dead" lawsuits. But then again we're dealing with a society that throws money at an already-rich talentless fraud named Paris Hilton. Go figure.

Lovely post.

4:57 PM  
Blogger dulciana said...

Three men in a tub...hmmm. Wonder if they have gray hair?

7:33 PM  
Blogger Carol (Smiles and Laughter) said...

The burger king guy is a weirdo and definitely does not make me want to eat there. I think their marketing manager has the last name "McDonald" and the CEO at burger king was too busy trying to clean out his arteries to notice.

I did my daughters room in nursery rhymes. Actually most of them are pretty disturbing, not just Rub-a-Dub Dub. I mean, "when the bough breaks the cradle will fall, and down will come baby...." or how about "Peter, peter, pumpkin eater had a wife and couldn't feed her, put her in a pumpkin shell and there he kept her very well".
And the poor egg couldn't be put together again. Poor egg. what you wrote on my blog. I love beagles! They're the best.

7:37 PM  
Anonymous Simply Coll said...

Hi Carol,
What an enjoyable read.

Have you ever, in passing, tossed out the "Hi, how are you?" and then actually received a long winded reply, often of the negative persuasion. It always throws me off.

7:45 PM  
Blogger Walker said...

Greaqt post.
I think the commercials that drive me nuts are the ones for new drugs. If you take this it will cure blah blah blah BUT if you suffer from , heart desease, kidney desease, liver desease, have high blood pressure, low blood pressure....
HELL!!!! if you alive don't take this.
What's it good for when no one can take it.
You have to be healthy to take the cure.
Hmmm was I ranting. Oh well. :D

1:20 AM  
Blogger Justine said...

Rub a dub dub, three men in a tub.” That’s just plain disturbing


I've got a nasty case of allergic conjunctivitis. Could use a dose of eye lube!

8:15 AM  
Blogger Grace said...

I went to the Dr and asked him about Nexium and he said, and I quote, "Those damn commercials are driving me insane".

1:53 PM  
Blogger sideshow bob said...

Could I be incontinent and not even know it? Hope not.

And what is with these word verification thingies? Isn't four letters enough? Do we really need twelve letters?!?

5:16 PM  
Blogger Lizabeth said...

Those were good!

I never thought of the three men in a tub thing, AND to think we sang that as kids. Wow!

You couldn't have hit the suing thing any closer. I couldn't agree more.

6:21 PM  
Anonymous colleen said...

oops...go bumped...have to repeat myself. I said: You are a stand-up blog comic! And you never offend me...even if you curse. I'm not that easily offended (I'm Irish too). Actually, I am slightly offended when people aren't being themselves. I was more thinking of comics like Eddie Murphy who hard core curse a lot in their acts...but even that doesn't offend me if it's funny. I just can't do it.

I can just totally see these (ponderings) in a book.

10:35 PM  
Blogger L said...

that's exactly why I got rid of my television :)

12:26 AM  
Blogger Nonsensical_Flounderings said...

I try not to fart in front of someone, I let them have their turn then I do my farting, LOL Sorry, couldn't resist.

My Dad's parents were both deaf and mute, Dad and his siblings were all hearing but obviously could talk on their hands quite fast. Us kids learnt a little and could ask basic stuff but like your Spanish comment, they would answer and their hands would be a blur as they talked fast. We could never keep up.

I am proud of my grey hair and wouldn't think of covering it up.


6:48 AM  
Blogger The Humanity Critic said...

Let me tell you something, I am a huge germaphobe and if i went to the doctor every time an advertisement came on I would live in the doctors

3:04 PM  
Blogger Floridacracker said...

The BK kingthing weirds me out too. If it ever showed up at my window or worse in my bed like that one would probably be sporting some politically incorrect 9mm holes.
The breakfast sandwich that thing advertises is so horribly bad for boggles the mind...even as it fills it with grease.
FUNNY Post...more, more!

3:51 PM  
Blogger Rob Seifert said...

Well, I'm getting pretty damned salt and pepper'd these days. Of course, I'm not having any trouble getting any (thanks to Lilly!)but I digress... As to dying or shaving, feh! I earned each and every one and I wear them with honor.

I always answer truthfully when asked the familiar, "How are you doing?" I've gotten into some interesting conversations with complete strangers after just such an introduction.

Mushrooms... Love em! Not afraid of them at all. I had a sister in law (first marriage) that wouldn't eat them because they squeek when you bite them. I still don't know what she was talking about.

Fart loud, fart proud. Nuf said.


1:56 AM  
Blogger PBS said...

Funny observations! I kind of like commercials because they are lame but usually sort of funny (before you see them 100 times, that is).

4:21 AM  
Blogger Lyvvie said...

Oh inspired one, you inspire me again!

The bit about men dyeing their beards, why do mean have beards? I recently saw a few really handsome YOUNG men with beards hiding their handsome faces! Unless you have no chinor it's part of your relegion, you should not have a beard. Seriously folks, the beard went out of fashion when Glam Rock died.

I can't remember what comes after "Candlestick maker..." in the three men in a tub song...on to Google I go ..again! And why did the Farmer's wife cut off the tails of three blind mice? A psychopath does stuff like that.

Yeah...I don't trust mushrooms either. Glad to know I'm not alone.

3:03 PM  
Blogger frustratedwriter said...

nice set of ponderings! can totally relate on most of them and yeah, the irony of the fish hasn't escaped my notice either.

hey, thanks for keeping me in your links. can't help but noticed I've disappeared from some other blogging buddies, I guess that is the price you pay when you get behind in your reading. sigh

7:29 AM  

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