Ponderings

I saw a commercial on television yesterday. A very pretty lady was pushing prescription medication for treatment of “dry eye.” She claimed, “You could have dry eye and not even know it … like I did.” I’m just going to hazard a guess that if we don’t know we have something, it can’t be bothersome enough for us to use a prescription drug. I wondered for a moment if I should just head to the doctor’s office every time I see a new advertisement? I changed the channel instead; it was cheaper.

Another commercial insults my intelligence too ~ apparently if a man over forty grows a salt and pepper beard, he will completely repulse any good looking woman. The good news ~ if he dyes his beard, he’ll probably get lucky. Does anyone with half a brain actually believe this crock of crap? And even if it were half true, wouldn’t it be cheaper to just shave the thing off, get some, then grow it back in hopes to meet someone who isn’t quite so shallow?

Never approach a Spanish speaking person with a question. Even if you’ve studied the language for five years, the rate of speed with which they respond may leave you with your jaw hanging open and the “oh crap it’s time to translate” receptor in your brain fried beyond help. Surely they do it to show off. (I’m just joking) (Or am I?)

House and auto alarms aren’t really a deterrent to thievery. People in the neighborhood just figure it was the wind and they spend the next thirty minutes cursing you out for allowing it to sound for so long. To burglars, the constant sounding of a house alarm is just further assurance that nobody’s home.

I like the “hi, how are you” line that most folks greet one another with in the U.S.A. It’s comfy and convenient. People screw me up all the time when they go and get creative, greeting me with “Hi, what’s new with you?” That one forces me to contemplate. The “hi, how are you” can be addressed quite simply with a “good, and you?” And it’s okay if it’s a lie, because nobody really pays much attention to the response anyway.


There is a certain type of wild mushroom (the amanita) that is so highly poisonous you could die within minutes of ingesting one cap. For this reason, mushrooms are the only food I will never buy in a natural food store. A sound-byte in my brain always tells me “what if they dug up the wrong kind?”

Speaking of mushrooms, I wonder how many people won’t eat them just because they grow in shit. If you stop to think about it, we all started out growing in a mix of our own waste.

I wish I could write brilliant poetry. If you can write brilliant poetry, you can also sing but don’t really require a voice. Case in point: Bob Dylan. Bobby could get up on stage and hum “Like a Rolling Stone” while chewing on sandpaper and his audience - oh, wait a minute, that’s pretty much what he does do.

Burger King really spoiled it for prom queens, beauty queens and anyone of true blueblood royalty. Anytime I see a crown now, I picture that twisted, plastic headed company spokesthing peering into a bedroom window. It doesn’t matter how pretty, how talented or how prestigious they are anymore; in my mind’s eye, if someone’s sporting a crown, they’re promoting greasy burgers and flat soda.

I miss childhood, but certain things just make me thankful to have moved beyond it. For instance, having learned and sung songs like “Rub a dub dub, three men in a tub.” That’s just plain disturbing.

I was fishing with a friend once and he caught a young large mouth bass that had half-swallowed the minnow bait. When my friend removed the minnow, it swam off happily. The bass didn’t fare as well and lie floating on the lake surface. I love that sort of irony. I meant to say if you’re easily offended by all-things-fishing ~ look away. Too late.

What’s with all the suing? People should have to pay the lawyer up front when they retain one for a flimsy lawsuit. That would free up the courts some. And why don’t grocery stores just post one of those disclaimer signs up front that reads, “This store is not responsible for slippery floors, falling produce, sharply edged canned goods or anything else that might send you off to an attorney in hopes of winning a lawsuit lottery.” Wouldn’t that let them off the hook?

When people fart in front of others, they immediately have one of two reactions; great elation or utter horror ~ depending upon the situation. Fart-indifference only seems to happen when one is completely alone.

I used to think the sky was a dome covering the earth. The stars were tiny little holes – imperfections. Little did I realize the rest of the universe is so wondrous and that all things in nature are fine tuned and filled with purpose; that WE are the imperfections.