Cry Me Some Comic Relief

I wasn’t going to post about the storm, but realized I must. It’s not really about the storm, it’s about the reporting of the storm. I’m hoping this will count for originality, at least somewhat.

I am not heartless; let it be known up front that I do feel deeply for those affected by Katrina, but the following post is my pathetic attempt to share some form of levity (it’s allowed … really) to an otherwise grave situation.

While listening to and watching the news this weekend, I couldn’t help but zone in on several profound statements uttered by the various anchors. A couple of these verbal gems, I found to be rip-snortin’ knee slappers … but perhaps only because I desperately needed release from all the tension. If there’s one thing I’ve learned about myself, no matter what the trauma is, I shall always seek and find some sort release.

It feels like it’s my duty to share these precious statements with you ~ to get them into writing. Enjoy.

~ CNN ~ Female anchor informed me that traffic on Sunday afternoon was tied up terribly, in fact, “bumper to bumper” on this one road leading out of New Orleans. She said (and I’m not being creative here) “Traffic is now at a virtual standstill, and I have a feeling it’s only going to get worse.”

Now [scratching head] … I’ve BEEN in traffic at a virtual standstill. I’ve sat on I-95 Southbound for five hours on a Fourth of July weekend … not moving one foot in 40 minutes time. Zip. Squat. So my question is, exactly how does it get worse than a standstill? Do they start going in reverse?

~ MSNBC ~ Footage showing female reporter out in the early storm winds and torrential rain. She says these words, “It’s so bad out here you can’t stand up!” Problem? There she was, standing up while she made this revelation.

~ CNN ~ Male reporter, again, out in the downpour, being blown about as he suddenly turned to his extreme right and kept his face into the rain for a full count of thirty “You see? You can’t do this. You can’t look right into the rain, it’s pelting so forcefully!”

Okay fella, I’ll tell you what you can’t do. You can’t tell me what you can’t do while you’re freaking DOING it. That’s what you can’t do! You may tell me what you can’t do while you’re NOT doing it … that I’ll buy. But mama didn’t raise no fool here. If you ran out of shit to say, turn off the mic.

~ FOX NEWS ~ (and I swear to you, these are all statements that I documented) Male meteorologist standing before map of Florida and discussing how badly Katrina hit a certain area, “A friend of mine told me, in fact, that this was the worst catagory one storm he’s ever witnessed.”

Okay, let’s keep it in perspective here, just for a second. Category one means just that - category one. They put them into categories for a reason. Because if it gets worse than a category one, they can call it a category two, and so on.

Category one is, by every definition possible, the least horrific hurricane of the bunch; the runt of the hurricane litter. Even the worst category one hurricane is STILL just a category one. I didn’t make this rule ~ blame the weather weenies. So, in essence, what this highly educated meteorologist said to millions of viewers that day, was “…this was the strongest weakest storm he’s ever witnessed.” I’m sorry, but I find some humor in that.

~ CNN ~ While reading a prompt, one of the female anchors, tired (I’m sure) after a full day of repetitious reporting, spoke these words while they showed an image of a flooded street in New Orleans:
“And here we can see signs of early flooding in the easternmost area of Los Angeles.” You may want to read it again.

Mind you, this was a photo they had already aired about 942 times throughout the morning. I knew it was in New Orleans, she knew it was in New Orleans, but I found it kind of comical that the tired neurons in her brain forced her to say “Los Angeles” when they intercepted the abbreviation for Louisiana – “LA”

I’ll admit, that one, I thought was more cute than comical or pathetic.

Of course, I’ve saved the best for last.

~ CNN ~ The female anchor was about to switch us over to images of the video conference between the President and the emergency management team. She, in all her infinite reporting wisdom, made the following announcement:

“Now we’re going to bring you the live video conference between President Bush and the emergency response team. This is quite an event … just remember folks, in this room you will see all the people responsible for controlling the weather.”

You know, I never thought in all my days I’d get to actually SEE the folks responsible for controlling the weather. Never. It WAS going to be quite the event. And to think I always figured nature controlled the weather.

I watched really hard and these people didn’t have wings, they didn’t have halos or horns, they weren’t surrounded by balls of light and they didn’t look the least bit godlike. I was more than a little bit disappointed by this.

I’m sure it’s not always easy to be a news anchor, a reporter, or a weatherman, but it sure can be a wonderful source of entertainment if you just look beyond the news.

I got my release this weekend. I hope you find yours.

Stay safe ... and try to do it smiling.