Products You Too Can Live Without

Every now and then I get a kick out of thumbing through those junk mail catalogs in which everything costs between $2.99 and $19.99 ($30 shipping and handling). The mailman brings them on occasion to remind us how lucky we are to have an IQ over 40. Yesterday, while flipping the pages and snickering out loud, I thought how nice it might be to share some of these products with those who are nice enough to come here. If you’d like to order any of these products, please let me know so I can send you the address and promptly remove you from my blogroll.

I’ve changed the item names so that I don’t get hauled into court. Of course, I could always counter-sue on grounds of mental cruelty based on the hours I spent trying to figure out who actually buys this stuff.

The Rack n’ Roll

This is a bad idea on two levels. Firstly, if I were so inclined to have powder blue tiles on my bathroom walls (which I’m not), the last color I’d choose for toilet paper would be baby-girl pink. This combo looks great on an infant’s rattle or woven into a crib blanket – it even comes in handy on gift wrap for a baby shower, but unless you want your guests to have a seizure, go with either white tiles or white TP. Please.

Secondly, I don’t think I want my guests to know how many rolls are left. If I owned this TP rack, I’d just keep one spare in it at all times and hide the rest. Otherwise there’s no telling what sort of personal cleansing frenzy the toity-users might enjoy ~ on my dime.

The Doggie-Brella

The only thing remotely cute about this product is the beagle. Look, they’ve already got us scraping poops off the lawn and toting them around in a Ziploc, praying not to run into anyone we know. It’s hard to look or sound intelligent and cool while you’re holding a bag of Fluffy's shattings. I’ll be damned in hell before I’m going to hold my dog’s umbrella for him. I love dogs, but how servile do you really want me to be?

Hair Be-Here

This product claims to make your hair longer and thicker. They even provide an image. I have no need for such an item, so I don’t have the tube handy to read all the fine print ~ but I’ll bet we can assume it doesn’t mention that it will take about four years to see results. Get it? Psssst … YOUR HAIR WILL GROW THAT MUCH ALL BY ITSELF IN THAT MUCH TIME ! Save your money and eat lots of dried kale and dumpling soup instead. (I base that on absolutely nothing – just like the folks who made this product)

Jigglerobics

Incase you can’t read this it says “Totally Nude Aerobics.” Gee, now there’s a concept. Either they want me to believe that I need “help” to figure out how to workout in the raw, or they’re flat out pushing man-dreams in a sugar coated package. Why do I need a video to teach me how to do crunches in the nude? And furthermore, is there really any special benefit to this? I neither look like the girl on the box nor feel like the girl on the box; I could workout every day for the next six years and I never WILL look like the girl on the box. Good lord in heaven, the last thing my china closet needs is for my baggage to be jiggling without constraint in a sweaty workout session. The thing is, if I want to experience totally nude aerobics, I could pop in any exercise tape and simply remove my clothes. I don’t need a twenty two year old never-owned-an-inch-of-fat chippie to show me how. If it’s the “other” type of workout they’re leaning toward, I don’t need help in that area either, thanks.

The Turn-a-butt

Now this item is precious. It’s a swivel action seat for those who have trouble getting into and out of cars. Call me stupid, but isn’t this just a brown paper version of the Lazy Susan? I can hear it now … “What’s that you say? Granny’s having a bit of trouble with the hip pivot? I know! Let’s plop her onto a Lazy Susan and see if that doesn’t make her feel good as new.” This gives all new meaning to the phrase “Let’s go for a spin around the city.” Maybe they should just call this the Lazy Granny and get it over with.

The Lazy Snowman

To further prove my point on the Lazy Granny, I offer you the Lazy Susan Snowman variation. Note the similarities between this and the previous product (action arrows). Remove the pepper and ketchup and toss that baby in the car… I’m sure grandma will get a real thrill sitting on this little doozie. On second thought … never mind. That’s just wrong. Just plain wrong.

The Swivel-Ciser

Looky here! Just when you thought it was safe to store away your Lazy Granny/Susan/Snowman, yet another use comes to light. You can tone up your waistline with this nifty item, and apparently it’s so much fun you will smile the whole time. Seems it would be easy enough to just duct tape some rope and handles to your Lazy Granny/Susan/Snowman and off you go!

Now if only I could find a darned video that would show me how to do this one in the nude.