September 24, 2005

Products You Too Can Live Without

Every now and then I get a kick out of thumbing through those junk mail catalogs in which everything costs between $2.99 and $19.99 ($30 shipping and handling). The mailman brings them on occasion to remind us how lucky we are to have an IQ over 40. Yesterday, while flipping the pages and snickering out loud, I thought how nice it might be to share some of these products with those who are nice enough to come here. If you’d like to order any of these products, please let me know so I can send you the address and promptly remove you from my blogroll.

I’ve changed the item names so that I don’t get hauled into court. Of course, I could always counter-sue on grounds of mental cruelty based on the hours I spent trying to figure out who actually buys this stuff.

The Rack n’ Roll

This is a bad idea on two levels. Firstly, if I were so inclined to have powder blue tiles on my bathroom walls (which I’m not), the last color I’d choose for toilet paper would be baby-girl pink. This combo looks great on an infant’s rattle or woven into a crib blanket – it even comes in handy on gift wrap for a baby shower, but unless you want your guests to have a seizure, go with either white tiles or white TP. Please.

Secondly, I don’t think I want my guests to know how many rolls are left. If I owned this TP rack, I’d just keep one spare in it at all times and hide the rest. Otherwise there’s no telling what sort of personal cleansing frenzy the toity-users might enjoy ~ on my dime.

The Doggie-Brella

The only thing remotely cute about this product is the beagle. Look, they’ve already got us scraping poops off the lawn and toting them around in a Ziploc, praying not to run into anyone we know. It’s hard to look or sound intelligent and cool while you’re holding a bag of Fluffy's shattings. I’ll be damned in hell before I’m going to hold my dog’s umbrella for him. I love dogs, but how servile do you really want me to be?

Hair Be-Here

This product claims to make your hair longer and thicker. They even provide an image. I have no need for such an item, so I don’t have the tube handy to read all the fine print ~ but I’ll bet we can assume it doesn’t mention that it will take about four years to see results. Get it? Psssst … YOUR HAIR WILL GROW THAT MUCH ALL BY ITSELF IN THAT MUCH TIME ! Save your money and eat lots of dried kale and dumpling soup instead. (I base that on absolutely nothing – just like the folks who made this product)


Incase you can’t read this it says “Totally Nude Aerobics.” Gee, now there’s a concept. Either they want me to believe that I need “help” to figure out how to workout in the raw, or they’re flat out pushing man-dreams in a sugar coated package. Why do I need a video to teach me how to do crunches in the nude? And furthermore, is there really any special benefit to this? I neither look like the girl on the box nor feel like the girl on the box; I could workout every day for the next six years and I never WILL look like the girl on the box. Good lord in heaven, the last thing my china closet needs is for my baggage to be jiggling without constraint in a sweaty workout session. The thing is, if I want to experience totally nude aerobics, I could pop in any exercise tape and simply remove my clothes. I don’t need a twenty two year old never-owned-an-inch-of-fat chippie to show me how. If it’s the “other” type of workout they’re leaning toward, I don’t need help in that area either, thanks.

The Turn-a-butt

Now this item is precious. It’s a swivel action seat for those who have trouble getting into and out of cars. Call me stupid, but isn’t this just a brown paper version of the Lazy Susan? I can hear it now … “What’s that you say? Granny’s having a bit of trouble with the hip pivot? I know! Let’s plop her onto a Lazy Susan and see if that doesn’t make her feel good as new.” This gives all new meaning to the phrase “Let’s go for a spin around the city.” Maybe they should just call this the Lazy Granny and get it over with.

The Lazy Snowman

To further prove my point on the Lazy Granny, I offer you the Lazy Susan Snowman variation. Note the similarities between this and the previous product (action arrows). Remove the pepper and ketchup and toss that baby in the car… I’m sure grandma will get a real thrill sitting on this little doozie. On second thought … never mind. That’s just wrong. Just plain wrong.

The Swivel-Ciser

Looky here! Just when you thought it was safe to store away your Lazy Granny/Susan/Snowman, yet another use comes to light. You can tone up your waistline with this nifty item, and apparently it’s so much fun you will smile the whole time. Seems it would be easy enough to just duct tape some rope and handles to your Lazy Granny/Susan/Snowman and off you go!

Now if only I could find a darned video that would show me how to do this one in the nude.


Blogger Floridacracker said...

Amazing, I don't get any cool stuff like this in the junk mail. Lucky you.
The doggy umbrella looks more like a doggy "cone of silence" from the Get Smart show...I guess that dates me.
Very amusing post!

8:44 PM  
Blogger Grant said...

If you use the lazy snowman as a sitting device, do the instructions tell you where to put the carrot?

9:08 PM  
Anonymous Simply Coll said...

Totally Nude Aerobics... what a scary thought! (not to mention vision)

9:59 PM  
Blogger kenju said...

Carol, I want every one of those products right now!!

Actually, my mother-in-law could have used that swivel seat. She hated my car because the upholstery was velour and she couldn't twist around on it like she could on leather seats. Luckily, I don't have to worry about that!

10:05 PM  
Anonymous bekah said...

Actually, that dog umbrella would've been perfect for Prinny this weekend. She refused to pee during the hurricane winds and rains, and so I had a huge golf umbrella over me, bent over, over her. Difficult little dog.

10:27 PM  
Blogger CarpeDM said...

Oh, come on. Powder blue and pink is a lovely combination for the bathroom. Yes, I'm kidding.

Totally Nude Aerobics. Yeah. Because I want to exercise in the nude. I guess we should consider ourselves lucky - it's not Richard Simmons.

The swivel-ciser does look kind of fun but I'd probably go flying off. I'm not the most graceful. And it would be embarrassing to explain to my roommates why I'm in a naked heap on the floor.

1:18 AM  
Blogger mrhaney said...

those are some neat gifts for xmas but i don't even have the money to purchase those. good post carol. hAVE A GOOD WEEKEND.

1:59 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I know! We can order the swivel stuff and have an accident and sue!

6:40 AM  
Blogger PBS said...

Wow, isn't it just amazing the junk they try to sell you? I suppose a couple of those inventions might be semi-useful to certain people. But I bet the products aren't well made and break right away. I get a catalog sort of like that but yours is more funny!

7:38 AM  
Anonymous SilverMoon said...

So amusing. I toss my junk mail in a mad dash, only taking time to be sure it's not important. "jigglerobics": if that's your coined word: hahahaha
(Maybe the last laugh is on my b/c my 1st post on "Green-Eyed Lady/Good Vibrations" blog was "Dancing Queen" and uh... yup... Your blog is such a gr8 pick me up!(no gravity defying jokes intended) ;)

8:10 AM  
Blogger Alisa said...

oh my. I hope CarpeDM didn't give Richard Simmons any ideas. Scary!

Why would I want to watch another woman bouncing perkily around completely nude?


GreenPeace and EPA should sue these catalogs for killing trees needlessly.

9:06 AM  
Blogger the Monk said...

Good one...I used to get a lot of this crap in my inbox...predominantly organ and performance enhancing longer, though, now that I have Gmail...

9:26 AM  
Blogger Rob Seifert said...

Given that I have 3 boy children, the Rack and Roll looks like an ideal method to catch all the piss that misses the toilet on a daily basis. Pink, blue, whatever, I bet it would work well. Of course you'd have to change it often...


2:31 PM  
Blogger Weary Hag said...

RCS ~ I thought that's what they made those contoured terlit rugs for? If you get yellow, the stains barely show up.

2:36 PM  
Blogger Tabor said...

I noticed that the owner of the dog isn't holding an umbrella for himself. Weird dude. When I got to the nude exercise tape I got a picture of deep knee bends in my mind, and now I gotta go get a glass of wine and try to think of something else! Euew!!

5:50 PM  
Blogger madcapmum said...

You know, I didn't realize how many ways in which my life was lacking until I visited your site today. The nude aerobics is horrifying! Why on earth would anyone who NEEDS to do aerobics want to undertake it starkers?!!!

5:57 PM  
Anonymous John said...

Holy smokes, this is so funny Carol! Best post award for the day! lol :)

6:01 PM  
Blogger Wicked H said...

Spin the Granny on the Lazy Susan with the carrot...okay. Now that is even sicker than nude aerobics.

Funny as hell though!!!

Thanks Hag!

6:47 PM  
Blogger Michelle said...

That's it! I am packing my suitcases, putting the house on the market and i am movin to the States! How come we don't get these cool things down under? I can't wait to try Nude Aerobics, of course a doctors visit will be on the cards after i give myself 2 blackeyes, but hell i'll be fit won't eye.oops...i!

Love your posts Carol!

6:49 PM  
Blogger lilly05 said...

Yup, I get this catalog too! I usually thumb through it just to amaze and sicken myself as to what this company is pushing! I'm especially enamored of the bullet shaped "Deep muscle massager". It really looks like it would be completely useless when used on the shoulder like the model in the picture is doing. It does however bring other "deep muscles" to mind. I guess coupled with the "Totally Nude Aerobics" You could really get an intense workout!! Laf...Great post Carol!

7:34 PM  
Blogger Joe Tornatore said...

jigglerobics had to be named by a breast man.

10:49 PM  
Blogger Lizabeth said...

Those were awesome, I don't think I get that catalog, but plenty of other oddballs. That last one looks like a law-suit waiting to happen, sheesh! Nude aerobics, how can you do that with out the tape now? I don't get it... kidding! Thanks for the good laugh!

12:16 AM  
Blogger Rachel said...

Somehow I don't get those catalogs....bummer

9:10 AM  
Blogger psuche said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

10:45 AM  
Blogger psuche said...

Now if they would only come out with a Lazy Granny/Susan/Snowman that has a hole in it. Then you could mount it as a toilet seat, swiven to the Rack n' Roll when you're finished then turn back to watch the nude video girl with the Hair-be-here extensions.

The dog is a little tougher though, if we are doing our business on our Lazy Granny/Susan/Snowman/Toilet seat we probably don't want to walk the dog in the rain. We could modify the Lazy Granny and mount it on the lawn, tie a leash on it so the dog can walk in circles. However we would also need to modify the umbrella. If we were to make it into a doggie-umbrella-hat then we could just strap it on him, tie him up and let him Lazy-Granny-Poop-InTheRain all day long.


10:47 AM  
Blogger NWJR said...

Why does the "nude aerobics" girl have clothes on in the Video box cover? That's false advertising. I wanna see some boobies!

4:43 PM  
Blogger Lightning Bug's Butt said...

I must confess to Her Weariness that I'm in love with that toilet paper stack thingy. What a brilliant idea, tile color notwithstanding.

7:19 PM  
Anonymous Kathy AKA Ben said...

If your shopping cart is not full yet, there's pages of useless gadgets here:
I thought I'd send for the Doll Sleeping Bag on page 2. Heck it's only a dollar! And if I had $3.00 I might even spring for those Rubber Numbchucks on page 4...if only I could figure out what they were for (LOL)...nevermind!

8:25 PM  
Blogger Dave Morris said...

Holy. Hell. I surely wish I got this catalog, I'm afraid I might also buy the TP caddy.

Jesus, I'm barely able to breathe now from laughing. Especially the part about your china cabinet.

Best blog entry of the year. You knock me out!

10:38 PM  
Blogger Dave Morris said...

PS - Did you notice that the dog owner with the doggie-brella ISN'T holding an umbrella for himself? Oh yeah, that'll be the day.

10:41 PM  
Blogger Jezzy said...

Ha! What quality products! And what immense value! I am indeed amazed.

1:19 AM  
Blogger jpr said...

Cool. Does anybody remember Ron Popeils GLH (hair in a can)? It makes these products seem downright sensible.

9:58 AM  
Blogger sands of time said...

I know where to do my christmas shopping now for my former friends.

10:26 AM  
Blogger happyandblue2 said...

That is just so funny.
And to think that someone, probably the same guy every time, actually make s a living making up this stuff, tee,hee..
If I had that toilet paper roll thing I would only leave a roll with about two squares left on it. That should get people panicked enough to leave.
And why does the nude aerobics tape have a woman with clothes on on the cover..

11:22 AM  
Blogger t. durden said...

I can't believe. We finally have something in common, Weary. We get the same catalog. Let me guess ... the name of the catalog ends with "non", doesn't it? Sorry, some of us urbanites won't be caught dead buying that stuff much less reading. BTW, good point on the Nude Aerobics ... "just stip off and work out with an ordinary aerobics tape". I suspect some male-based shenanigans afoot. The doggie umbrella, in my neighborhood, is like wearing a sign that says "feel free to give me a sound beating". Even scarier, there might be folks buying this stuff. There's something to keep you up at night.

12:16 PM  
Blogger canis lupus said...

Great merciful crap, and I thought I was the only one getting this bunk in my mailbox. Is this the some folks that offer the "toilet golf" and the *ahem* "massager"?
T. Durden, I'm sure the consequences of owning a doggie umbrella is UNIVERSAL and not just in your neighborhood.

12:24 PM  
Blogger danny boy said...

Please will tell me this is not real. And if it is, where can I find this catalog.

12:27 PM  
Blogger Steve said...

OK, I need to know how you got a picture of my bathroom on the internet...

Something about the nude aerobics reminds me of the Seinfeld episode with the "bad naked" girlfriend - the nudist who coughed.

2:13 PM  
Blogger GratisGab said...

LOl! I can't stop laughing....good collection Carol..More coming?

3:58 PM  
Blogger jon said...

Grandmas! Grandmas buy that stuff by the ton, and then leave it for you to sort out after they pass. And you can't quite bring yourself to throw it all away because, after all, it was grandmas, so you store it for your kids to sort.

10:30 PM  
Blogger Swathi said...

that was too funny ... esp. the nude aerobics, cant stop ROFL

6:53 AM  
Blogger TSBAllStars3 said...

Great set of useless products.

Jigglerobics did catch my attention, being a single male under 30 with plenty of free time on my hands. But the only way I could do an "aerobic" workout to that is if I made sure to breath heavily while "enjoying" the video. Or by working out with a partner.

9:07 AM  
Blogger frustratedwriter said...

man, you get all the good magazines and catalogs! The Bass Pro Shop catalog doesn't offer any of this good stuff. sigh.

7:26 AM  
Blogger Carlo said...

The funniest part of this entire post is that there MUST be enough people buying this stuff to keep the company solvent. That's hilarious.

BTW, WH, I am a transplanted Rhode Islander and I miss the ocean more than I ever thought I would...

7:49 PM  
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