The Cows Are Mad. This is News?

Well it’s official. American cows are found to be mad. This means somebody went out to a pasture and stuck a needle into the hide of a cow* to find out if he’s mad or not.

They could have saved themselves many dollars by just asking me. Of course the cows are mad. They’d have to be.

Firstly, they are forced to live in smelly barns with dozens of others who they probably don’t even care for very much. If they’re anything like us, they probably aren’t as offended by the smell of their own crap as they are by the smell of the others. To add insult to injury, they have to step in it on their way out to pasture. Cripes, I’d be mad too.

Their day goes something like this …
Up at the crack of dawn, herded off to graze in bug infested pastures in the blazing sun or in snow-laden fields to freeze their hooves off all day long while snow accumulates on their backs and heads all day. Cars drive past occasionally and people generally act like asses at the mere sight of them, tossing rocks to get them to move or yelling stuff out the windows as they pass by. This would tick me off too.

Midway through the day, they find their way to the troughs where they get stuck eating “feed” for lunch, or water that has nearly boiled in the sun or frozen in the cold. They all have to slurp from the same trough. That means Joey da cow is eating Pete’s splashback. Oh yum. There’s no variation or “menu” to choose from. It’s lunch, and if they don’t eat this mess, they’ll starve. It’s no wonder they graze on the ground offerings in between … that’s their only treat. Who wouldn’t get a bit testy about this ritual?

At the end of the day, and with no say in the matter, they are herded back to the smelly barn and jammed together for a fun filled night in the dark ~ left to crap where they stand and smell one another’s pies for the next eleven or so hours; true bliss. Nobody reads them a story or tells any farmer’s daughter jokes.

Through it all … they have flies biting at their asses and eyeballs, with no means to swat them. Thank goodness for the tail, though the gentle back and forth swishing is no real threat to the ever-returning flies; still, it’s the cows’ only defense. I’d be pretty shook up over this as well.

Perhaps the worst of the worst is the “moo.” No matter how pissed off they get, and how red-in-the-face angry they become, the most they can issue is a resounding “moo.”

Admit it ~ this would get mighty old mighty fast. What better release is there than to spout off a string of expletives when something really pisses you off? Think about it … you’ve just been abruptly woken up from a sweet bull-romping dream, herded through piles of your neighbor’s dung, forced to stand in the 90 degree pasture with flies biting at your eyes, led to a slop trough for lunch then herded BACK through the piles of crap and told “lights out” before you even have a chance to get a card game going, and all you can say is freaking “moo.”

Of course they’re mad! In fact, if the science guys probe deeply enough, I’ll bet they’ll find out some of them are downright furious.

Stupid science.


*I’m sure this isn’t exactly the method that was used, but I’m betting there was lots of money involved in this process somehow.