June 25, 2005

The Cows Are Mad. This is News?

Well it’s official. American cows are found to be mad. This means somebody went out to a pasture and stuck a needle into the hide of a cow* to find out if he’s mad or not.

They could have saved themselves many dollars by just asking me. Of course the cows are mad. They’d have to be.

Firstly, they are forced to live in smelly barns with dozens of others who they probably don’t even care for very much. If they’re anything like us, they probably aren’t as offended by the smell of their own crap as they are by the smell of the others. To add insult to injury, they have to step in it on their way out to pasture. Cripes, I’d be mad too.

Their day goes something like this …
Up at the crack of dawn, herded off to graze in bug infested pastures in the blazing sun or in snow-laden fields to freeze their hooves off all day long while snow accumulates on their backs and heads all day. Cars drive past occasionally and people generally act like asses at the mere sight of them, tossing rocks to get them to move or yelling stuff out the windows as they pass by. This would tick me off too.

Midway through the day, they find their way to the troughs where they get stuck eating “feed” for lunch, or water that has nearly boiled in the sun or frozen in the cold. They all have to slurp from the same trough. That means Joey da cow is eating Pete’s splashback. Oh yum. There’s no variation or “menu” to choose from. It’s lunch, and if they don’t eat this mess, they’ll starve. It’s no wonder they graze on the ground offerings in between … that’s their only treat. Who wouldn’t get a bit testy about this ritual?

At the end of the day, and with no say in the matter, they are herded back to the smelly barn and jammed together for a fun filled night in the dark ~ left to crap where they stand and smell one another’s pies for the next eleven or so hours; true bliss. Nobody reads them a story or tells any farmer’s daughter jokes.

Through it all … they have flies biting at their asses and eyeballs, with no means to swat them. Thank goodness for the tail, though the gentle back and forth swishing is no real threat to the ever-returning flies; still, it’s the cows’ only defense. I’d be pretty shook up over this as well.

Perhaps the worst of the worst is the “moo.” No matter how pissed off they get, and how red-in-the-face angry they become, the most they can issue is a resounding “moo.”

Admit it ~ this would get mighty old mighty fast. What better release is there than to spout off a string of expletives when something really pisses you off? Think about it … you’ve just been abruptly woken up from a sweet bull-romping dream, herded through piles of your neighbor’s dung, forced to stand in the 90 degree pasture with flies biting at your eyes, led to a slop trough for lunch then herded BACK through the piles of crap and told “lights out” before you even have a chance to get a card game going, and all you can say is freaking “moo.”

Of course they’re mad! In fact, if the science guys probe deeply enough, I’ll bet they’ll find out some of them are downright furious.

Stupid science.


*I’m sure this isn’t exactly the method that was used, but I’m betting there was lots of money involved in this process somehow.

42 Comments:

Blogger Lisa said...

I love cows! Those big brown eyes. The thought of them having to go through that routine, day in and day out, makes me want to rush to the country and let them all free of their stinky enclosures. Poor cows, no wonder they're mad.

Damn I love it when you post girl! Great post as usual!

6:39 AM  
Blogger Alisa said...

Oh my! That is so .. sad. Only a bereft little moo to express all of their emotions.

I am one of those yellers you talked about... I usually warn them to run away because they will be eaten. (By me, none the less!)

Instead of scientists they need behavioral psychologists to really determine a mad cow. Or even that lady that talks with animals on Animal Planet.. I bet she could diagnose a mad cow.

8:32 AM  
Blogger happyandblue2 said...

LOL. Poor cows. It's the angry cows from Canada that started all this. Up until angry cows from Canada got mixed into the herds the U.S. cows didn't even know they could speak up.
It's no wonder the American border is closed to our cows. I'm glad to see your cows finally have a voice of their own though..

9:47 AM  
Blogger CarpeDM said...

The worst thing about my job is that we are about 3 blocks away from the stock yards (read slaughter house) and I must tell you, there is nothing like the smell of manure in the morning. Can't be missed. Poor cows. Let's stand around in our neighbor's crap and then get the indignified killing for someone to eat your flesh.

I would be furious as well. And yet, this is not enough to make me a vegetarian. If there are vegetarians/vegans out there that read Carol's blog, I'm sorry. I'm weak. Please don't hate me.

This is a brilliant, wonderful post. You rock, Carol. You rock AND roll.

10:55 AM  
Blogger blue2go said...

Ha ha, you should compile these in a book of essays (maybe you ARE doing that!) to sell. It would be popular. Poor cows, what a bad life and usually a bad end, too.

11:14 AM  
Blogger Leah Bennet said...

Thank God! I've just gotten into blogging, and every time I clicked "next blog", I got a 14 year old into evil.

I really enjoyed your blog and plan to follow your essays. You are a writer...(this is one of my biggest compliments!)

12:00 PM  
Blogger Dave Morris said...

And yet... they are so delicious with a baked potato and side salad.

Sorry, had to go there.

Your cow rant has touched me... just not enough to become a vegan.

12:28 PM  
Blogger brooksba said...

Carol,

Great post, as always. I do feel a bit sorry for the cows, and if they didn't taste so darn good or make such amazing coats, I would boycott the products. But, mmmmm, a nice, juicy steak = heaven!

2:24 PM  
Blogger Rob Seifert said...

MOOO! I'm with Dave and Brook on this one. I love my cows rare to medium rare. I suspect I'd eat far fewer steaks if they weren't served up on a platter for me at my local restaurant or grocery. It's a pity really... ;-)

RCS

2:55 PM  
Anonymous John said...

Great post! But I must admit that I loooove the taste of Cow!

MMMMMMOOOOOOOOOOOOO!! LOL!

4:38 PM  
Blogger DLAK said...

Two cows are standing around one day when one cow says to the other, "So what do you think about this mad cow disease?" The other replies, "What the hell do I care, I'm a hellicopter!"

5:35 PM  
Blogger Swifty said...

Talking of mad cows, I guess you all know about their prevalence over here in Britain? Historically they've tended to form a large part of the Royal Family and the aristocracy.

7:25 PM  
Blogger "AG" said...

I love animals. I've always adopted shelter animals. I won't eat pork because pigs are smart and cute. I won't eat lamb because they are cute and I hear "bahahaha" when I eat it. I wouldn't be able to look them in the eye and know I would be eating them. Some people have a sadistic streak, and darkness lurks within them. I am one of those people. I celebrate steak. I do try to buy free-range local beef when I can afford to do so. Those cows get to eat organic feed and listen to the Grateful Dead.

9:57 PM  
Anonymous J said...

Dude. That was hilarious.

11:19 PM  
Blogger dan said...

I'm confused (easily done)

Are you talking about Bovine Spongiform Encepholopathy?

I've been eating beef since I had teeth and I'm not mad, although some of you may be surprised that us ferrets eat beef.

3:46 AM  
Blogger kenju said...

Finally, the poor, uneducated cows have a voice; the voice of reason! Carol, it is about time someone spoke for the poor, undervalued cows. Yaaayyyyy, Carol!!

5:49 PM  
Blogger The Rambler said...

One cow says to the other...
"Are you worried about this mad cow thing?"
The other replies... "Not me, I'm a chicken!"

Great post Carol, that's probably as much as we really want to know about the treatment of cows!

Brad.

7:12 PM  
Blogger Rainypete said...

Sounds a littel bit like where I work. All the routine and the lousy food. I'm so riled up I could MOOOOO!

What the MOOOOOOO!

Aw crap. Now I think I've got this ma..... MOOOOOOOO

11:09 PM  
Blogger Santanu said...

Hi Carol!

If you think thats reason enough to drive American cows mad, I wonder what you might have to say about the mental condition of their Indian cousins!

If only they could speak more than 'MOOO', I am sure they would have taught us some new profane words and expletives, considering the way they are treated!!

2:44 AM  
Blogger Walker said...

Well its official, it sucks to be a cow, and you forgot those nasty teenagers that go out cow tipping.
Great post :D

3:00 AM  
Blogger Carol (Smiles and Laughter) said...

Next thing we know we'll see little picket signs in the pastures.

12:34 PM  
Blogger kenju said...

Absolutely, my deah! You are ON my list of those to someday meet, I hope. In retrospect, we should have arranged it when we were in NYC last month, huh?

3:59 PM  
Blogger Weary Hag said...

Judy, that was only a month ago? Holy cow! (in keeping with my post)
Feels like it was two months ago.

To all others... thanks so much for stopping by and commenting. I really didn't mean to insinuate that I don't enjoy a killer steak every now and again. Some of your comments are just precious.

4:04 PM  
Blogger Michelle said...

You just answered my question! I was going to inquire wether or not you were vegetarian...LOL Maybe you just don't eat the bits the flys have been biting!

5:57 PM  
Blogger Wicked H said...

Oy, the guilt I am feeling now for the few - ok it was 5 - cows that I tipped while attending college. Peer pressure and copious amounts of alcohol - that is what I will blame it on.

To all the furious cows, please, PLEASE accept my apology.

8:32 PM  
Blogger L said...

well, I would be mad too!

10:13 PM  
Blogger jon said...

I used to think I wanted to be a llama, but when you put it like that, sign me up for cow duty.

10:19 PM  
Blogger Rachel said...

I like the light heartedness of a what could be a depressing topic. I enjoyed the post.

12:12 AM  
Blogger anumita said...

Hehehe! This is lovely! Now that I think of them poor cow, I would be mad too, I guess! And here we actually pray to these mad beings!
But now does it say it's contagious? I was thinking of the beef eating public getting infected...

7:58 AM  
Blogger Dave Morris said...

Okay, I gotta get in on this.

One cow walks up to another and says "are you worried about this whole mad-cow thing?"

The other cow says, "not me, I'm a dingo."

Next?!?!?

11:33 AM  
Blogger BarbaraFromCalifornia said...

I appreciate your abilty to draw attention to a serious subject in a light-hearted and satircal manner.

Yes, I would be totally pissed too!

1:39 PM  
Blogger Lyvvie said...

I had a wonderful giggle over that!

I'm left wondering though...those two cows named "Joey and Pete"; are they lesbian cows? Are they Bull-cows? If that's the case, does Pete really mind Joey's splashback?

I thought cows had cutsie names like Daisy and Clara and Twinkle.

When I was young, I used to ride my bike past a cow pasture, and there was always this one cow that liked to run alongside of me. Silly cow.

5:28 PM  
Blogger Lizabeth said...

Great post and so insightful. I'm one of those asses when I ride by on my bike though I just moo at them. Its not like they need to have anything thrown at them, thats just cruel.

6:54 PM  
Blogger mrhaney said...

very good post carol. you need to go on tour as a comedian.

12:55 AM  
Blogger Sask 1 said...

The poor cows.Your post was really funny Carol.

11:05 AM  
Blogger Hick said...

And...what about the cow tipping?

Oh, hey! That reminds me. We used to play frisbees with old dried up cow pies...lots of fun...until the parents got wind of it.

11:10 AM  
Blogger Lightning Bug's Butt said...

How appropriate that as I read this I'm eating fried chicken.

You know, Jerry Seinfeld does a joke. It goes: Grapenuts cereal. Open the box -- no grapes, no nuts.

I feel that way about this blog: Not weary, not haglike.

2:51 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

hehehe... love it, Carol.... laffin so hard the tears are running down my leg.... (I hope they are tears?) One cow at the fence took a deep breath, said "MOOOOOOoooooo!"
Another cow nearby looked up, and said "HEY!!!... I was just going to say THAT!!!..... lol Kevin , your mad cool-one downunder...

2:39 AM  
Blogger Sylvana said...

They do have that crazy bellow they can produce in times of real pissiness! Like a moo on steriods.

9:43 AM  
Blogger Zube Girl said...

That was awesomely fun to read! Thanks. Tee hee.

5:13 PM  
Blogger frustratedwriter said...

But they look so contented... Having been on the business end of a mad cow or two during my lifetime, I would venture to say they express themselves quite well via the cow stomp, the cow head butt, and my favorite, the random plopping of social commentary onto your foot.

fun post carol, a good read when I'm trying to catch up!

5:08 AM  
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