Simple Solutions

I’m not sure I quite understand what all the commotion in the news is about sometimes. It’s not like I’m heartless, or that I don’t give a hoot about people getting hurt, falling ill or dying … I really do give a hoot. It’s just that some of the horrors that befall humanity are simply avoidable. I’d rather spend my worry-tokens on more worthy causes.

Because I still have a smidgeon of faith in my fellow man, I do believe I cannot be the only one who sees these truths. If I’m wrong, please let me know so I can duct tape my house and stay indoors for the remainder of my time.

Let’s take a look at the recent shark attacks in Florida. The first of these two horrific incidents took place when a young teenage boy was fishing, waist-high in the ocean, using live shrimp as bait. Some expert guy with a 70s Afro claimed it was the casting and reeling of said shrimp that attracted the shark in the first place, luring it closer and closer to the boy; in any case, the poor boy was viciously attacked.

The second incident involved a young girl swimming near a school of feeder fish. She was unaware, of course, and as claimed by an expert sporting a crap poor comb-over, was probably seen by the shark as competition, and was attacked and killed.

Pardon the insertion here, but have you ever noticed that all these self-proclaimed “experts” on TV have incredibly laughable hair? No, really. Keep an eye on this strange phenomenon, it’s quite true. It must be a requirement.

Anyway … while watching various eye-witness interviews throughout the day, I noticed people were surprised, agitated and downright frightened by these events. I do understand they are out of the ordinary and most traumatic ~ no doubt about it. But I get a little annoyed when I hear people saying things like “This is so scary, I mean, I have a two year old and I have to really worry about this now,” and “I don’t know what we’re going to do with the kids this summer now, I’m really afraid.” Perhaps “annoyed” isn’t the exact word… it’s more like “confused,” but in an annoyed way.

The thing is, there are some pretty obvious solutions to this dilemma.
I offer the following:
1. For starters, last time I looked, there was no law requiring us to place our two year olds (or any other age for that matter) into the ocean.
2. You can frequent any of the dozens of swimming pools open to the public OR you can enjoy the pool back at the hotel.
3. If you can’t come up with any form of entertainment for your children all summer except ocean swimming, you probably shouldn’t have bred.
4. Land sharks are extinct. They died along with the original Saturday Night Live Show back in the 70s; stay on solid ground and no one’s going to be attacked by a shark.

Of course there’s nothing quite like a swim in the ocean, sea sand mixing between your toes and waves tickling your back or rolling over your hot shoulders ~ and swim to your heart’s content if you aren’t worried to death over the off-chance of such an oddball attack. I’m not addressing the average beachgoer. I’m only addressing the folks who make such a dramatic statement as mentioned above. If it frightens you that much ~ simple solution ~ don’t do it.

Second to this is the bear attack. I’m mainly in reference to the most recent one in Alaska (what a surprise) where the two campers were attacked and killed in their tent, but you can use just about any of the bear attacks we’ve read about in the past 20 years or so; same rule of thumb.

Bears live in the deep woods. They’re wild. They forage to survive. They don’t care if you’re only on their turf to take pretty pictures or even if you’re there in the name of preserving their species. They don’t give a darn if you’re a nature lover or just a recluse. The number of years you’ve dedicated to studying their behavior doesn’t matter to them one iota. Pack up your camping gear, head out to the wilderness (incase you haven’t noticed, the word “wild” is part of wilderness), and pitch a canvas fortress (as if) … carefully store your food in Tupperware and load up your camera … be my guest, as long as you fully understand that you just might end up being lunch. It’s happened before, it will happen again, and again, and again, and again. It will.

Do I take any joy in these horrific stories? Not on your life. Hell, given the opportunity to be interviewed, I’d be the first one making statements like “I’m truly quite concerned about random bear attacks,” but you can bet your sweet bippy that I wouldn’t be lugging a backpack and bedroll while I’m saying it.

Simple solutions, people. If something scares the ever loving wits out of you, and that “something” is fairly territorial, just stay the hell out of its territory. If it just kinda gives you the creeps but you’re up for the challenge, go for it, by all means.

There are plenty of things in this life worthy of getting wrinkles or raising the blood pressure about; things that are completely unavoidable. It just slays me when people can’t distinguish these things from stuff like shark and bear attacks.