July 09, 2005

Lobster Tale

I don’t workout much ~ at least not in the traditional sense of the word. This is evident in the clear outline of cookie and candy shapes that bulge from inside my tummy in plain view. There are reasons why I steer clear of gyms and volley ball courts, only one of which I will discuss today.

About a year or so ago, I woke up one morning and decided to follow in Ed’s footsteps and regain some semblance of shape to my waistline. To put things in perspective, Ed had dropped fifty pounds in the healthiest way possible. He started to drink a lot of water, ordered a stationary bike and treadmill for our home, and basically eliminated all food items from his diet. He has managed to keep this weight off for nearly two years now, having completely rearranged his lifestyle. I marvel at him ~ truly I do. Not just because he lost fifty pounds, but because he lost fifty pounds and has kept it off this long living with the likes of sweets-addicted me.

And so, on that fateful decision day, I popped open a bottled water (just cause it sounds healthier than the free, tap version) and instead of having pancakes doused in butter and syrup, I decided to get with the program by heading downstairs to the family room and attack the exercise equipment.

From years of dancing many moons ago, I knew enough to warm up first, stretch those lazy muscles and wake them up a bit before I began my workout. One of the cats had followed me downstairs and was already staring at me as if to say, “You have GOT to be kidding me … this oughta be good.” He parked himself in front of the bike and I swear, he let loose a chuckle. Still, I stretched and breathed and did all the right things to prepare my body for the inevitable assault.

I had carefully picked out some classic rock music, strapped on my headphones, steadied myself and took one last easy breath before boarding the bicycle. I was ready, baby!

I was mentally singing along with Clapton and wishing so much I could show off my cool air-guitar licks, but I somehow managed to keep my hands in place on the bike. Ten minutes into my little program and I was still able to breathe. I was completely impressed with myself and feeling quite fine.

Then I noticed the cat.

He was up and staring at something just behind me on the floor and in his full attack mode. His eyes looked almost glazed over as he positioned himself in the “down-low” that he does so well … I hesitated to look behind me, but I knew I must.

Right smack in the middle of “Three O’Clock Blues” I slowly turned my head and looked downward toward the floor fully expecting an ant or maybe a moth. Instead … this is what I saw …

Now, call me crazy but this “thing” does NOT belong in my house… not on a Monday, a Tuesday or EVER.

My reaction? I did the mature thing and shrieked at the top of my lungs, “OH … MY … SWEET … GOD! ED…. HELP ME!”

In one fell swoop, I was off the bike and at the stairs clear across the room without ever touching my feet to the floor. My heart raced like a worked hemi and I was covered in sweat.

The poor man ran to my aid from two flights up and was yelling “What happened, what happened?” I caught my breath and shouted again, “IT’S A LOBSTER AND IT'S COMING AFTER ME!”

The look on Ed's face as he rounded the corner was priceless … “A What?”

Remember, if you will, I’m a city woman. I hadn’t seen a crayfish, especially such an intrusive one, in my entire life. Not up close and alive! Even Ed admitted this was a pretty good sized crayfish. The thing had to be about six inches long, claw to tail.

What pissed me off the most was that it just had no right being in my house. None. He belonged out back in the pond with the other nasty looking fresh-water buggers.

With Ed downstairs now looking for something to scoop it up with, I felt safe enough to get a closer look at this monstrosity. Clinging to his bicep for dear life, I said to Ed, “You’re going to kill it right?”

Ed, being an environmentally conscious individual, just gave me the eyes-up-to-God look that I’ve come to know so well. He proceeded to carefully lift it onto a piece of cardboard and place it gently into the grass out back. We surmised from the balls of lint on its head and claws that it came in through a small hole near our dryer vent in the laundry room, and it must have been living (and growing) there for quite some time. Oh joy.

The only good that came out of this was that I had found yet another excuse not to workout. You just never know what’s going to crawl up behind you. If not for the silly cat, I could have been attacked and killed. (not “killed” as in the crayfish bit my head off or anything, just “killed” as in … had he gotten any closer to me I might have stroked out)

I suppose I probably burned more calories flying across the room in my little adrenaline rush than I would have, had I pedaled all the way through the entire CD.

Nah… I don’t workout much these days ~ at least not in the traditional sense. Instead I do many little power burns in the name of panic and horror. (Then I stroll off and eat a cookie)


Blogger Tabor said...

What a priceless story and so much better with the photos! That is an unusally large crawfish if you live up in northern New England. I never knew they would find their way into a house and I guesss I would have probably freaked out also.

8:24 AM  
Blogger Alisa said...

Extra treats for the kitty! (Even if he did chuckle at you)

8:27 AM  
Blogger Ash (Le Shark) said...

As someone who has nearly fallen off the elliptical machine when she saw a spider dangling in front of her, I can totally relate. If anything warrants a break from exercise, a lobster strolling through the room would do it!

8:35 AM  
Blogger blue2go said...

Great story, as always! We had crayfish in the creek behind the house where I grew up. I even had them as pets a couple of times when my Dad and his friends accidently caught them in a fishtrap. I think they're pretty cute, but not sneaking up behind you in the house, yikes!

9:49 AM  
Blogger psuche said...

Different people require different methods of incentive to exercise. This one seems to work for you.

Just have Ed call me and I'll ship some Lobsters from here and every morning he can let one loose in the house. You'll be trim in no time! ;>

11:14 AM  
Blogger happyandblue2 said...

I think you are fine the way you are. Exercise is far to dangerous..

11:26 AM  
Blogger Eileen the Jellomonster said...

Eeeeek! Reminded me of a time when I was married and living in Oklahoma. I walked into my bedroom and saw a scorpion on the *opposite* side. My response was to grab the cordless phone, jump onto the wing chair in the bedroom, and call my husband to actually come home from work to kill it. He had to go to a meeting and couldn't come home, but I was practically hyperventilating, so he sent one of his employees over to take care of it. I was the butt of jokes for quite some time.

11:36 AM  
Blogger Rob Seifert said...

Very funny story in retrospect. I've never heard of crawfish crawling through walls. I would have been surprised myself. I offer an alternate perspective on it's presence though. Perhaps he came in to watch because the words out in the animal kingdom that WH was gonna put on a show. As such, he dragged himself in from the garden through a WALL to support you in your efforts! Where's the gratitude Carol? Hmmm? Chuckle. Have a good one lady, and keep posting.

12:19 PM  
Blogger Raehan said...

I'm so clueless I thought it was a scorpion! Crayfish? That's much better.

12:37 PM  
Blogger Wicked H said...

H-O-L-Y C-R-A-P!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You have my blessings for not exercising. I thought my killer chameleon story was scary but I would have stroked out if I saw that in my house.

Just chew your cookies vigorously, that burns calories too...


2:17 PM  
Anonymous John said...

Holy smokes Carol! That thingy was in your laundry room all that time, it creeps me out to think of it!

I thought it was a Cray Fish, but it looks like a baby Lobster doesn't it! For what it's worth, I had a tiny spider crawl on my mouse, then to my hand a few minutes ago, no joke. Gross!

A creepy Omen or what?

4:43 PM  
Blogger dan said...

Carol, I bet you could patent that as a weight loss invention: Carol's Lobster Escaping Regime.

I'm sat here giggling like a five year old. What a great story.

4:57 PM  
Blogger Michelle said...

But,but but.....wtf did it come from???
You only live once Carol,enjoy those pancakes!

10:10 PM  
Blogger lilly05 said...

How funny! I used to go crawfish "hunting" when I was a kid. I submit it wasn't a whole lot like actual hunting, not like we had to use firearms or wear camoflage jumpers. Those little buggers are pretty vicious when backed into a crawdad hole that is too shallow to fully escape though. You really gotta watch the pointy end to avoid injury! They taste just like chicken btw.

2:02 AM  
Blogger CarpeDM said...

Oh, dear God. That thing is scary.

And I thought it was a scorpion at first glance as well.


Here we have spiders who will brave the 26th floor and create webs in front of our windows. They freak the heck out of me and I'm just thankful they can't get in through the windows.

And if they do get in, Eddy will eat them. Which is gross but better than having to kill them myself.

Eddy is my cat. Not my roommate. Just to clarify.

5:36 AM  
Blogger dan said...

I forgot to mention that bottled water is a complete waste of money. Most of it just comes from a tap.

5:52 AM  
Blogger Lyvvie said...

That's just too weird! did it crawl through the cat flap or something?

Hell, and I thought slaters wer bad. I'll keep my bugs verses yours.

I hope you enjoyed that cookie, very much deserved. Thanks for a super story.

7:22 AM  
Blogger jon said...

Ya shouldsta got a bunch ah his buddies and boiled their butts, or tails. Hillbilly lobster.

11:44 AM  
Blogger Nonsensical_Flounderings said...

Hilarious but you reacted well and got the camera for ther inevitable Blog post (unless you Googled the pics).


11:46 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I just screamed.

People down in the bayou eat those, and call them "mud bugs." OMG that thing is wretched. A definite sign to stay away from any sort of physical exertion. I better do the same.

2:31 PM  
Blogger Dave Morris said...

The only thing I have a REAL fear of is scorpions - even the mention sends a chill up my spine.

I am also stopping my workouts. No sense in taking chances, you know?

4:58 PM  
Blogger frustratedwriter said...

the real shame is that he didn't show up with another forty friends that you could have boiled and eaten, since crawdads (the southern name) are excellent and quite tasty! Oh well, at least your cardiac was stimulated for a short time.

5:19 PM  
Blogger kenju said...

"Power burns"? Can I steal that from you? This is a perfect excuse for not exercising - which I do all the time (not). That is so funny; if there was a crayfish in my house I would have freaked out and then my husband would have too!

11:10 PM  
Blogger Lisa said...

lol LOVE it! Sorry for your scare, but damn that was funny lol. Now where can I find a lost crawfish to use as excuse for ME not working out anymore?

1:23 AM  
Anonymous SilverMoon said...

This amazing story made waking up so &*&^&* early to work (on purpose no less & I'm self-employed- such discipline... LOL), well worth it!

Even w/out those priceless pics, I can see you, your facial expressions, the whole scene, marvelous writer that you are.

(Uh, not to mention that the day I found a crayfish on our basement closet floor I also screamed. That was not even 1% close to the tale you wove.)- And here I thought I'd simply salivate over "missed lobster." Someday, I'll learn... ;)

4:35 AM  
Blogger Pete B said...

Get a grip people!
Ref. your earlier posts - it's not like it should actually have any advantage over you. Sorry that it scared you Carol, but come on - it's food!
Perhaps, it has something to do with a lot of you people being hardened city folk, whereas I grew up in the countryside with a comfortable but not very affluent family.

7:03 AM  
Blogger Weary Hag said...

Aaah yes, but Pete, my friend ~ it's sometimes not a matter of WHAT it is as WHERE it is! There are certain expectations we have living inside of a house. Perhaps under far different circumstances, I'd have grilled him up and enjoyed a meal (though not likely for me), but crawling about on my floor ... it was more an element of surprise than anything else.
Usually, we hunt our food (hunt used quite lightly here) ~ our food doesn't come looking for us!

8:51 AM  
Blogger Grant said...

You may have discovered the next exercise fad - Lobstercise. Gather a group of people for an aerobics class, then shout "OMFG Look out behind you!" Then you all run to the nearest Baskin Robbins.

9:04 AM  
Blogger Sask 1 said...

Wow ive never heard of one going in a house before.
I bought myself a gym pass last year.I do make a once a week visit only because i have paid for it.

11:30 AM  
Blogger Carol (Smiles and Laughter) said...

ROFL! I've never heard of one going in a house before, either.

Maybe you should take the "Welcome" sign off the drier vent? :)

12:53 PM  
Blogger katie said...

Oh god!! I would have freaked out. Yikes. Anything creeping up on me freaks me out.

4:37 PM  
Blogger Zube Girl said...

Lordy, I think I might've had a heart attack right there! You are a brave woman!

7:06 PM  
Blogger mrhaney said...

well carol i knew there was a reason i do not exercise much. that was a very funny story. i thought it was going to be a mouse.

7:54 PM  
Blogger Rainypete said...

All you have to do is keep a bowl of melted butter near the treadmill along with a pot of boiling water. Then you scoop his buggy eyed carcass up and cuck him in the pot. When you're done owrking out you have tasty snack.

9:18 PM  
Blogger Walker said...

That was hilarious, sorry Carol but HA HA HA. To bad he didn't bring a dozen friends or so, you could have marched them all to the hot water pot and started your diet the next day. LOL

3:12 AM  
Blogger annush said...

lol...that's pretty funny carol...us city girls should definitely stay in the city!

6:50 AM  
Blogger Hick said...

I'm with RPete.

Or you could open up an exercise studio and say something about scaring people into shape...possibly make some money on the whole adventure.

Then again, you could just dig up your Reeboks and strap on your step-o-meter...

10:00 AM  
Blogger DLAK said...

lol, good story, bad lobster! We used to catch and boil them (crawfish)when I was a kid. Now I think they look like bugs and I dont eat bugs. You may have got a good picture had the cat actually got ahold of it. lol

1:23 PM  
Blogger Floridacracker said...

Whew! Good thing it didn't attack you. It would be pretty crowded in there with the news media and bad hair "crawfish experts" giving interviews in your workout room.

8:26 AM  
Blogger BarbaraFromCalifornia said...

Great post!

I am all too familiar with the cerebral work-outs created by that large organ between my ears, in the name of fear. It could be a loster, an ant, or even worse, a thought!

10:57 AM  
Blogger Becky said...

I LOVE IT! Girl, you had me rolling! I remember sitting on the porch a few years ago, sipping an adult beverage with some friends, and looking down to see one of those things just hanging out with us. It was hysterical. A couple of the girls screamed and ran - you know, like girls do sometimes. The rest of us just laughed, named the critter Bob and tried to figure out what he would eat...

4:01 PM  
Blogger GratisGab said...

I can't stop laughing!!!

That was great story and very well told as usual :)

Forget it, you're fine, one healthy person in the house is more than enough (that's what I tell myself)...drink bottled water if you must do something..LOL!

5:18 PM  
Blogger L said...

heh heh heh. what a great story! I wish I had that excuse :)

7:11 PM  
Blogger brooksba said...

How insane to find that in your house! I probably would have had the same reaction. It certainly gets the heart pumping.

As always, a great piece of writing.

1:37 PM  
Blogger karla said...

I don't blame you one bit. Clearly, working out causes lobster attacks. You're a smart girl, and for you, it only takes one lobster attack for you to learn your lesson and avoid all lobster-provoking behavior. Good for you! What sense is there in being thin if you're also covered head to toe with claw marks?

10:23 PM  
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