November 14, 2005

Little Letters (Part I)

Dear Brown-truck delivery dude,

Thank you for you wonderful service, but could you quit knocking at the door when you’re leaving a package that does not require my signature? I tripped up the stairs the other morning racing to grab my robe because my pajamas had a big tear in the hind section and I thought you were company.

Also, if you could stop announcing where the package was sent from, I would greatly appreciate it. It’s that time of year again when the entire family is busily ordering presents for one another via Internet and catalogs. We like to be surprised on Christmas morning.

Sincerely … Weary Hag


~~~~~~~


Dear new neighbor,

We don’t mind so much that you invited your life-size, red lacquered, naked female mannequin to your backyard BBQ back in August, but we’re terribly curious as to why you only show up to your new home on Fridays and stay till Saturday evening. We know your old home is only ten miles from here and we’re wondering why you haven’t officially moved into this new one yet.

Oh and when you start using the miter saw out back at eight a.m. on Saturdays, what is it that you’re building and dragging down into the basement? If you could straighten us out on this, we could get on with our nosey lives.

Curiously … WH


~~~~~~~


Dear Judge,

How come you still get to serve on the bench when you’re about 85 years old and you have to hold paperwork an inch from your eyeballs just to make it out? I don’t get this. And your robe had very bad dandruff around the shoulders, but I guess most people just don’t notice. I noticed, and I found it unsettling. They make some fine products now to remedy this situation. Or … you could retire and give some newcomer a chance on the bench; just a thought.

P.S. When you slur all your words, is that just for effect or have you been sipping Old Grandad in your chambers?

Concerned citizen … Weary Hag


~~~~~~~


Dear stranger-guy who returned my infant’s pacifier,

How sweet of you to go out of your way with this random act of kindness! You left your hot meal and ran across a cold parking lot just to give to me. I can only imagine that many years earlier, you were some lucky baby’s father and you knew what sort of trauma could ensue after we realized the pacifier was left in the restaurant. You have helped to comfort my little one and this weighs heavily in my book. We still have that pacifier today and whenever I’m feeling extra nostalgic, I look at it and remember your good deed. How I wish there were more people like you in this world.

Gratefully yours … WH


~~~~~~~

Dear girl who was my roommate in the 70s,

I know you were using my laundry detergent even though we agreed to buy and use our own. I also know your cheesy boyfriend helped himself to my LPs on more than one occasion (despite the fact that I said this was a huge no-no) and never returned several of them. Oh and that time when you said you lost your paycheck and couldn’t cough up your portion of the rent? I saw you cashing the damned thing at the bank the next day. You didn’t put anything past me … and you generally sucked as a roommate. I wouldn’t recommend you to my worst enemy if I had the chance … well, maybe my worst one.

That felt good … Weary Hag
~~~~~~~



Dear Mailman,

I know you show up every day and always manage to place the mail inside the box, but please don’t expect a money-gift for Christmas. You are a well-paid government employee with superb bennies and pension plan and this is, after all, your job. I used to be a customer service rep and had to take tons of crap from people all day long at work … I never expected (or received) money-gifts from them at Christmastime, and my benefits stunk. If I had lots and lots of money and nobody to spend it on, I might reconsider, but I don’t, so I won’t.

Happy holidays … WH
~~~~~~~



Dear Billy V,

When you first asked me to be your girlfriend back in fifth grade, I felt kind of flattered. It was a lot of fun hanging out with you on the fire escape after my Girl Scout meeting that Tuesday afternoon, listening to your transistor radio and making fun of the nuns … but I didn’t like that you lit a cigarette. It stunk and you looked like a moron because you didn’t even inhale.

What I would like for the world to know – right here, right now – is that you did NOT feel me up that day and in fact, you didn’t even get within five feet of me the entire time. So why’d you go around telling everybody this stupid story? Liar liar, pants on fire!

Pretty well-disgusted … Weary Hag
~~~~~~~
Dear Mrs. Tuff,

It was so nice of you to pay my sister five dollars a week to walk your little dog in the afternoons, even though she dragged me along with her every single day. The only problem is, neither of us ever knew what you meant when you used to ask “Did he have a BM?” My sister always said “Yup” but we had no clue what you were referring to. It would have been much better if you just said “Did he take a crap” or something, (we didn’t know BM stood for bowel movement), because at least we could have actually kept an eye out for this. I hope he wasn’t constipated because you used such fancy terminology. That would have been a terrible shame.

Still Concerned … WH

~~~~~~~



Dear lady who slammed into the rear end of my car at the red light,

I believe I have finally forgiven you for drinking and driving. Everyone told me I should have sued your inebriated ass, but at least you slowed down enough not to kill me. Just thought it was high time you knew that I ended up with whiplash and contusions where my knees bashed into the steering column. I think it was completely stupid of you to try to leave the scene of the accident with all those people standing around.

Back then it wasn’t “the thing to do” to sue people or I could have owned your husband’s beer and soda distribution center. I hope you have since quit drinking … or at least gotten too old by now to get behind the wheel of a car.

P.S. Your wig was way ugly.

Forgivingly … Weary Hag
"It does me good to write a letter which is not a response to a demand, a gratuitous letter, so to speak, which has accumulated in me like the waters of a reservoir." Miller, Henry (1891-1980 American Author)
~SJ is doing very well and is back to work. Thank goodness it was not Mono ... just a random virus. Thank you all, so much, for the well wishes and concern! It's been a tough week.~
REVISION:
Dear Juliabohemian,
Thank you for pointing out the typo in my last letter above. Grrrr I hate when that happens! It is now revised (yes, I'm that sick about spelling errors), but actually, I think it WOULD be kind of neat if someone decided to open a "bear and soda distribution center." People could go to this place, purchase their soda and take care of all the teddy-bear-gift needs for the year. Imagine the vast assortment!
I really do appreciate the correction. Um, do you charge for editing because I could really use those services right about now? *smile*
Sincerely ... WH

51 Comments:

Blogger Steve said...

How nice, random letters...

I'm going to post one of my own.

Dear Guidance Counselor

During my senior year of high school, I asked you to sign my college application where it said "guidance counselor signature" and release my transcripts. You told me you couldn't do that because it was your first year at the school and you didn't know me and you wouldn't put your name on anything for someone you didn't know. As a result of this, I was unable to attend the college as was my choice, and instead had to enroll at the local junior college. I want you to know that your wanton disregard for the well-being of the students you're supposed to guide and counsel only served to delay my life. Though it took me ten years and two enlistments in the Air Force, I finished my bachelor's degree and am now in my second year of law school. Don't suggest to a student that they need to surrender their aspirations because you can't condescend to sign a simple piece of paper.

Thanks,
Steve

7:28 PM  
Blogger Joe Tornatore said...

let's get it all out now. Sounds like an episode on the tv show My Name Is Earl.

8:08 PM  
Blogger "AG" said...

Guidance counselor- oh do I have a letter for that b*tch! So many letters to write- great post!!

8:52 PM  
Blogger Michelle said...

Carol, you do realise i will spending the rest of the week writing letters to every person i can think of that has pissed me off!
Loved your letters...specially the Judge!

9:09 PM  
Blogger CarpeDM said...

Oh my God. This is so perfect. I love it.

I have a few I could write. Hmm. My ex-fiance comes to mind.

Dear Ray,

Thanks for being a complete psycho. By the way, when the woman you have proposed to is asked to choose her own engagement ring and she picks out a black onyx heart, this is a sign.

Love (oh, wait, no, I never did love you and only accepted because I was desperate and thought no one would ever ask me to marry them),

Dana

Steve, loved yours. I think you should track that person down and send it to him/her. And congratulations on finishing your bachelor degree.

9:42 PM  
Blogger oregoncelticlady said...

Sweet Hag, Now you have us all rushing for the stationary...or old paper bag...*laugh*. How you inspire us!!!

10:17 PM  
Blogger PBS said...

Ha ha, so cute. I liked them all but especially the one to your postal carrier. Letter writing is becoming a lost art.

10:18 PM  
Blogger kenju said...

You have the BEST ideas for posts, Carol, and this is no exception. I love the letter to the judge.

11:00 PM  
Blogger Swathi said...

amazing... loved reading this post esp. the end quote which was so very apt.

now if only i can extend it to- my friends who backstabbed me, the security guard of my apartment complex, my nosy-ever-willing-to-help neighbour....
perhaps i cud borrow this idea of urz :)

12:36 AM  
Anonymous Simply Coll said...

Did you hear about the court ruling that was over turned because the judge had been caught falling a sleep on the bench while the trial was in process.. more than once. Sheesh!!

The doggy BM story was a hoot.. and actually brought back many memories. :-). My Mom was a registered nurse and in our home we always referred to #2 as BM. I did not know until years later what BM actually stood for.

12:39 AM  
Blogger brooksba said...

Oh! I love it! Carol, you are an inspiration.

You are a joy. I may think on this one for awhile and come up with a few of my own.

2:59 AM  
Anonymous pallavi said...

glad to know that SJ is doing well..

LOLOLOL at the letters.... makes me want to write a couple of my own..

LMAO at the mannequin...

3:54 AM  
Anonymous Silvermoon(GEL) said...

Creative and enjoyable!! Your letters all have that extra hagilicious appeal. :)
So glad SJ does not have mono! "Belle" did have severe mono that went undiagnosed, for over 6 months, by several doctors- too long a saga- so she was chained to high school all during this time w/out any recuperation break...

7:55 AM  
Blogger madcapmum said...

Love it! Great writing, as usual.

8:04 AM  
Blogger dulciana said...

Yeah, what is it with mailmen who expect Christmas gifts?? Oh, the letters I could write...

8:06 AM  
Blogger mamalujo1 said...

Morning Carol, I've been sneaking in and reading but not commenting (bad boy!) so I wanted to shout out how much I liked this. I'll be back!

8:28 AM  
Blogger Courtney said...

OMG...great post! The roomate letter made me think of my own roomate in my early 20's who used to have "relations" in my bed when I was out of town and allowed random drunk guests to sleep there, too. Bitch!

Here's my letter to you:

Dear Weary Hag,
Please continue making me laugh and reflect. And please forgive me if I steal your random letters format for my own blog...I think I may have some things to say. :)

8:32 AM  
Blogger Grant said...

If life has taught me anything about auto accidents, its that you need to kick the crap out of the other person at the scene if you want any satisfaction. The police will most likely arrest you unless you can convince them the other person looked that way coming out of the accident, but it's the only satisfaction you'll get.

9:48 AM  
Blogger Wicked H said...

You are way too nice. Now send me an e-mail with all of their locations and I'll have my people take care of the situation.

Capiche?

:-)

1:46 PM  
Blogger Anonymous Midwest Girl said...

Hahaha, those are awesome. Too funny!

4:25 PM  
Blogger Floridacracker said...

...so that's what BM means.

Nice post,now that I am a dad of two teen girls, I always want to write apology letters to the fathers of my highschool sweethearts and let them know I feel their pain.

4:31 PM  
Blogger katie said...

Glad that it didn't end up being Mono, that stuff is killer.
I think writing letters like this might be a bit theraputic. I might have to give it a go.

4:41 PM  
Blogger Dave Morris said...

Dear Carol:

My sides hurt. Make it stop.

Your friend,
Dave

6:38 PM  
Blogger happyandblue2 said...

Great post. I really like the letter idea..

7:34 PM  
Blogger Carol (Smiles and Laughter) said...

Dear Carol,

Thanks. Now I get to go reapply mascara because I need to go somewhere and you made me laugh so hard my eyes watered. Humph. ;)

Seriously, you are really good for the soul.

Carol

8:31 PM  
Blogger jon said...

That was a really cool post. I enjoyed it.

8:55 PM  
Blogger Johnny Virgil said...

nice!

9:23 PM  
Blogger phoenix said...

Loved these! A sorta meme without the me ;)

You are a great writer and always make me smile!

10:16 PM  
Anonymous colleen said...

Dear Mr. Deli guy, Please when you ask me how I want my meat sliced and I say thing, don't wag it around to ask me if it's thin enough. I'm usually in a hurry and I don't want to make eye conact with the skin of whatever animal it was.

I'm still laughing at the BM one. We have a similiar story in my family. Only the word "bowel movement" was used and we still didn't know what it meant!!

10:54 PM  
Blogger jane said...

I heard about this advertising scheme on a another blog, that gives away free Sony portable gaming systems. It sounded like a scam, but after I googled it, it was legitmiate. You have to sign up for an offer from one the sponser companies. I did a free trial one. Here's the link, check it out.
Sony PSP

11:23 PM  
Blogger the Monk said...

Bm?jeez...and great idea, the letters thing...really ,u should have sued that lady...and the mannequin...now that was funny...

4:06 AM  
Blogger Lightning Bug's Butt said...

Great letter, Your Weariness. I hope writing them proved therapeutic.

And say there, what is a "BM?"

Barry Manilow?

5:35 AM  
Blogger Divine Calm said...

It's nice having the last word, isn't it?

9:11 AM  
Blogger Spider Girl said...

Oh, those letters are better than therapy! I'm going to write some of my own.

By the way, you are a wonderful writer. :)

10:43 AM  
Blogger sands of time said...

Such a wonderful idea.write letters to people.I do sometimes write emails to people but never send them and delete them a few days later.

11:00 AM  
Blogger Rachel said...

That was hilarious and very much better than therapy I think

6:10 PM  
Blogger The Other Half said...

i regret to inform everybody that i have moved my blog once again...yes again...sorry!!

10:52 AM  
Blogger Justine said...

You really told that old housemate!

Dear Weary Hag, I think you are so nice, even when you're angry you seem nice. You're funny too, and you're a bit of a hoarder which is always a sign of a good person. xxx Justine.

12:43 AM  
Blogger MYSTIC said...

Now that Autumn is here, this is the venue that will keep you going until Spring arrives..I think you have started a wildfire here..Keep it up. This will cause Depends Stock to Rise as people are wetting themselves all over the place...Way to go kid! How goes the pond..Is it full yet?

7:04 AM  
Blogger bozette said...

lol very funny keep me laughing.

9:19 AM  
Blogger BarbaraFromCalifornia said...

What a great, theraputic idea, which turns out humerous in a cathertic kind of way. You have a beautiful way with words.

Thank you for all your kind words on my blog these past days.

10:26 AM  
Blogger Rainypete said...

Dear Carol,

Did you realize you wrote yorself a letter a few comments back? Not that I'm judging, but I figured you may want to know so your can remember your pills!

1:40 PM  
Blogger psuche said...

How do you come up with these blogging ideas Carol? You're very creative!

4:05 PM  
Blogger Kirsten said...

Hilarious! It reminds me of the emails that keep in my draft section.

5:01 PM  
Blogger oregoncelticlady said...

WH, thanks for visiting! My life has been taken over by report cards, conferences and a sixth grade daughter. I would love to write but would probably end up bitching instead of ranting (fine line). I will try! Glad you checked back! I continue to enjoy your work.

5:42 PM  
Blogger frustratedwriter said...

I think I would've liked to write this one...

Dear Nurse Ratchet,

Thank you for the overwhelming fear I have of needles. That time you grabbed my arm, screamed at me to stop crying and jabbed the needle into my arm is one of my favorite memories because now I can hate all shot bearing nurses with a passion that would make a hedonist blush. I hope you are rotting in hell and are surrounded by a bunch of screaming ex-patients who are stabbing you constantly with dull needles.

Have an excellent eternity.
love
fw

11:58 PM  
Blogger Bill Jones, Jr said...

This was a wonderful idea, very well executed.

12:21 AM  
Blogger Juliabohemian said...

I hate anyone knocking on my door unnecessarily because I am usually naked unless I leave the house.

Also, what sort of center distributes "bear(s) and soda?"

1:14 AM  
Blogger lilly05 said...

Carol, Once again an inspired post! thank you for the smiles! Great idea btw, I'm sure that you have just started a new trend! ;)

2:34 AM  
Blogger Spinning Girl said...

Fabu! I love the poison quill. I am about to draft a new letter to the Watchtower poeple who keep coming by to see if I want to chat about God, and also Campbell's soup, for putting tube-shaped meat items in their wonton soup. Thanks for the inspiration!

6:35 PM  
Blogger Rob Seifert said...

Chuckle, this was delightful! I've written many such letters in my years though, I must say, I've never sent or posted them - I usually burn them!

RCS

11:22 PM  

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