Little Letters (Part I)

Dear Brown-truck delivery dude,

Thank you for you wonderful service, but could you quit knocking at the door when you’re leaving a package that does not require my signature? I tripped up the stairs the other morning racing to grab my robe because my pajamas had a big tear in the hind section and I thought you were company.

Also, if you could stop announcing where the package was sent from, I would greatly appreciate it. It’s that time of year again when the entire family is busily ordering presents for one another via Internet and catalogs. We like to be surprised on Christmas morning.

Sincerely … Weary Hag

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Dear new neighbor,

We don’t mind so much that you invited your life-size, red lacquered, naked female mannequin to your backyard BBQ back in August, but we’re terribly curious as to why you only show up to your new home on Fridays and stay till Saturday evening. We know your old home is only ten miles from here and we’re wondering why you haven’t officially moved into this new one yet.

Oh and when you start using the miter saw out back at eight a.m. on Saturdays, what is it that you’re building and dragging down into the basement? If you could straighten us out on this, we could get on with our nosey lives.

Curiously … WH

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Dear Judge,

How come you still get to serve on the bench when you’re about 85 years old and you have to hold paperwork an inch from your eyeballs just to make it out? I don’t get this. And your robe had very bad dandruff around the shoulders, but I guess most people just don’t notice. I noticed, and I found it unsettling. They make some fine products now to remedy this situation. Or … you could retire and give some newcomer a chance on the bench; just a thought.

P.S. When you slur all your words, is that just for effect or have you been sipping Old Grandad in your chambers?

Concerned citizen … Weary Hag

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Dear stranger-guy who returned my infant’s pacifier,

How sweet of you to go out of your way with this random act of kindness! You left your hot meal and ran across a cold parking lot just to give to me. I can only imagine that many years earlier, you were some lucky baby’s father and you knew what sort of trauma could ensue after we realized the pacifier was left in the restaurant. You have helped to comfort my little one and this weighs heavily in my book. We still have that pacifier today and whenever I’m feeling extra nostalgic, I look at it and remember your good deed. How I wish there were more people like you in this world.

Gratefully yours … WH

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Dear girl who was my roommate in the 70s,

I know you were using my laundry detergent even though we agreed to buy and use our own. I also know your cheesy boyfriend helped himself to my LPs on more than one occasion (despite the fact that I said this was a huge no-no) and never returned several of them. Oh and that time when you said you lost your paycheck and couldn’t cough up your portion of the rent? I saw you cashing the damned thing at the bank the next day. You didn’t put anything past me … and you generally sucked as a roommate. I wouldn’t recommend you to my worst enemy if I had the chance … well, maybe my worst one.

That felt good … Weary Hag

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Dear Mailman,

I know you show up every day and always manage to place the mail inside the box, but please don’t expect a money-gift for Christmas. You are a well-paid government employee with superb bennies and pension plan and this is, after all, your job. I used to be a customer service rep and had to take tons of crap from people all day long at work … I never expected (or received) money-gifts from them at Christmastime, and my benefits stunk. If I had lots and lots of money and nobody to spend it on, I might reconsider, but I don’t, so I won’t.

Happy holidays … WH

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Dear Billy V,

When you first asked me to be your girlfriend back in fifth grade, I felt kind of flattered. It was a lot of fun hanging out with you on the fire escape after my Girl Scout meeting that Tuesday afternoon, listening to your transistor radio and making fun of the nuns … but I didn’t like that you lit a cigarette. It stunk and you looked like a moron because you didn’t even inhale.

What I would like for the world to know – right here, right now – is that you did NOT feel me up that day and in fact, you didn’t even get within five feet of me the entire time. So why’d you go around telling everybody this stupid story? Liar liar, pants on fire!

Pretty well-disgusted … Weary Hag

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Dear Mrs. Tuff,

It was so nice of you to pay my sister five dollars a week to walk your little dog in the afternoons, even though she dragged me along with her every single day. The only problem is, neither of us ever knew what you meant when you used to ask “Did he have a BM?” My sister always said “Yup” but we had no clue what you were referring to. It would have been much better if you just said “Did he take a crap” or something, (we didn’t know BM stood for bowel movement), because at least we could have actually kept an eye out for this. I hope he wasn’t constipated because you used such fancy terminology. That would have been a terrible shame.

Still Concerned … WH

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Dear lady who slammed into the rear end of my car at the red light,

I believe I have finally forgiven you for drinking and driving. Everyone told me I should have sued your inebriated ass, but at least you slowed down enough not to kill me. Just thought it was high time you knew that I ended up with whiplash and contusions where my knees bashed into the steering column. I think it was completely stupid of you to try to leave the scene of the accident with all those people standing around.

Back then it wasn’t “the thing to do” to sue people or I could have owned your husband’s beer and soda distribution center. I hope you have since quit drinking … or at least gotten too old by now to get behind the wheel of a car.

P.S. Your wig was way ugly.

Forgivingly … Weary Hag

"It does me good to write a letter which is not a response to a demand, a gratuitous letter, so to speak, which has accumulated in me like the waters of a reservoir." Miller, Henry (1891-1980 American Author)

~SJ is doing very well and is back to work. Thank goodness it was not Mono ... just a random virus. Thank you all, so much, for the well wishes and concern! It's been a tough week.~

REVISION:

Dear Juliabohemian,

Thank you for pointing out the typo in my last letter above. Grrrr I hate when that happens! It is now revised (yes, I'm that sick about spelling errors), but actually, I think it WOULD be kind of neat if someone decided to open a "bear and soda distribution center." People could go to this place, purchase their soda and take care of all the teddy-bear-gift needs for the year. Imagine the vast assortment!

I really do appreciate the correction. Um, do you charge for editing because I could really use those services right about now? *smile*

Sincerely ... WH