March 01, 2006

All Bottled Up

Happy March to all!

My gym-chant for today will be “Spring is near so WORK that gear!”

Things feel good these days. I’m feeling more and more like my old self, but less and less like my tired old self. The days are longer and my mind is stronger. Can I get an “OH YEAH”?

I’ve always wanted to find a message in a bottle. There’s something so romantic about it – don’t you think? Even if the message were a simple “hello” from a far off land, I’d rejoice … I’d feel special.

This morning I sat and thought a bit about what I’d write if I were so inclined to send one out. After you’ve read my messages, see if you can come up with one of your own and add it into comments or post ten yourself. Might be fun!

Top ten things I would write if I could send a message in a bottle:

1. If you are reading this, good. We already have enough illiterate people in the world.

2. I’ve never met you but I know we already have three things in common. I too would walk along the shore looking for a bottle with a message in it; I too would dance that nifty little sand-jig you danced while opening this note; I too would be gravely disappointed to find that it lacked profundity.

3. I have discovered the ultimate secret to longevity ~ never read notes found in floating bottles. Ever.

4. This is a really and truly a school project. Please add your name to the bottom of the list, copy it and send it out in 30 other bottles. Please don’t break this chain or bad things can happen to you.

5. By opening this bottle, you have unleashed all of the evils of the earth. To redeem yourself, you must tap you right foot to a four count, flail your arms over your head and sing the entire tune “Who Let the Dogs Out” to the first four passersby.

6. Finder … please accept this carefully rolled hundred dollar bill as a special, once-in-a-lifetime gift from a total stranger. Oh wait. I must have left it in the car. Maybe next time.

7. Dear reader … please get off me.
Sincerely, the scallop that is under your left foot.

8. I am a blonde. A lot of people in my country say we are dumb. I don’t think this is true. When you find this, could you please tell me if it’s the same in your country? I am enclosing extra paper and a pencil for your convenience. I shall patiently await your reply.

9. A half hour ago, I tossed this into the ocean hoping it would travel far and wide and there you stand twenty yards from me, ruining my entire plan. Killjoy.

10. If you are standing on the shoreline in New Jersey, excuse the call, clearly I've gotten a wrong number.

Well, I did say I was back to blogging, but I never promised you a rose garden. This is all I've got for today.


Anonymous pink said...

I love the second one.

8:50 AM  
Blogger Anjali said...

Really funny. Can't decide which I like best.

By the way, the gym-chant is totally inspirational. I'm hitting the gym this very evening!

8:56 AM  
Blogger Grant said...

I would go with a timeless classic:
"Dear foreign person,
Feck off!
None of your damned business
P.S. I do NOT have yellow fever. But if you are an Asian woman, please know that I love you."

As for the gym, I recommend an iPod loaded with death metal to keep your metabolism high. Works for me. :)

9:12 AM  
Blogger Wicked H said...


I am headed to the beach to wait for your bottle....and I am brunette!

10:36 AM  
Blogger Lightning Bug's Butt said...

Damn, those were all good.

Tell me more about the blonde.

11:27 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

What a fun exercise! My message would probably read:

List this bottle on ebay under category collectibles: glass: bottles: with messages and you will make one dollar less PayPal, listing an insertion fees. See, hardly worth your effort. Now throw me back in.

I think I ebay too much.

11:39 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

an = and

11:40 AM  
Blogger PBS said...

Those are great, so creative! I've never found a message in a bottle either. Maybe one has to send one to receive one?

12:13 PM  
Blogger CarpeDM said...

Seriously loving two and three. I've always wanted to receive one as well.

Grant made me laugh.

Did you hear about the guy who sent off a message in a bottle and got a letter back yelling at him for littering? I think it happened in England. I was kind of ticked, I've always thought of this as being romantic and mysterious and some jerk had to ruin it.

3:58 PM  
Anonymous kathy said...

Cute idea Carol.
I'll have to come back after I give some thought to what I'd leave for a message in my bottle.
Being a visual person - I do though already "see" the bottle. It's a royal blue long neck.
Perhaps I'm thinking, that just in case it gets broken on a stormy sea, that it'll make some good sea-glass for collectors like me.
I'll be back later.
Happy March to you too!

4:22 PM  
Blogger kenju said...

I LOVE # 5! So funny.

I will have to think about what I might write - but I already know they will not top yours!

4:41 PM  
Blogger oregoncelticlady said...

You are SO funny! I love this post! By the way, your e-mail was awesome and I WILL get back to you soon!

7:09 PM  
Blogger frustratedwriter said...

hmm, I think I would put,
"So do you get off doing cavity searches on poor innocent bottles, perv?"

8:59 PM  
Blogger the Monk said...

#6, #8 and #10 are definitely my favourites....Man, can't think of anything right now to write in such a message...

4:42 AM  
Blogger Don said...

Some time ago now, I effectively said to you, 'Hi, from the UK'. That was my message in a cyber-bottle. Not good enough, huh? **wink**.

Seriously, at that time, as a virgin ecommunicator, I was awestruck with the notion of being able to lock horns with a person so far away . But now, sadly, like most of us I guess, I'm rather blase about the whole process, to the point where I complain vehemently if Blogger, my email, or Messenger is not instantly available - sheesh! What do we want!

On a related theme, if I had to send a message it would probably be addressed to Support at ''. And I'd no doubt be complaining about the decline in efficiency, and the ever-increasing waiting times for quality responses from exotic places and people. Well, I'm sure it was different in days of yore!

Footnote: I may be blase about the ecommunication process, but I still get a huge kick out of you, dude!

4:58 AM  
Blogger Tabor said...

Wonderful creative writing idea, even if you were a little cynical in your approach ;-)

6:23 AM  
Anonymous Simply Coll said...

It truly would be amazing to find a message in a bottle.. but right now I think I could settle for just the sun and a sandy beach. We got 15cm of the white stuff last night. Where oh where is spring.

11:25 AM  
Blogger Ovedya said...

I did it.


2:00 PM  
Blogger L said...

regarding #1 on your list: my favorite sign ever was one I saw that said "Illiterate? Call XXX-XXXX to get help"

11:42 PM  
Blogger Michelle said...

mHahahaha, too funny! Love number 5! I want that bottle :o)

6:58 AM  
Blogger dan said...

ha! i like those.

i am still a smoker, but i am a smoker who chooses not to smoke...apart from weed when i go on holiday.

9:32 AM  
Blogger Raehan said...

Thank you for putting a smile on my face this morning.

I was going to choose a favorite but they are all wonderful.

12:36 PM  
Blogger brooksba said...

I would like to find a message in a bottle. It's a bit hard being in Minnesota, but maybe we could start dropping them in lakes. Hmmm.

You are brilliant. I HEART your new picture!

3:31 PM  
Blogger madcapmum said...

I take it you haven't got my message yet... Geez, I threw it in the North Saskatchewan in the beginning of December, I would have thought you'd have it by now!

10:13 AM  
Blogger Ben O. said...

Makes me want to listen to The Police . . .

What an interesting idea. If I didn't live in Colorado (no water) I would throw a couple of message-laden bottles out there and see what happened.

Fun stuff - Ben O.

1:35 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I once threw a bottle with a message in it into the washed up a few days later, with a second message attached ... "Insufficient Postage!" Thats the legacy of my surname.... Murphys Law ..
Kev (cool Blue) P.S. did cd's arrive yet?

4:29 PM  
Blogger Spider Girl said...

Heh, I like your gym-chant too! :)

As for the bottle, I read an article recently about someone in the States who sent off a meeage in a bottle that was found by a grumpy old man in Britain who contacted him and gave him a lecture on littering!

What a downer that would be! Although...a little amusing too. :)

4:31 PM  
Blogger Dave Morris said...

Oddly enough, I think of blogs as messages in bottles. Comments are from those who find the message.

Naw, fuck that. I'm drunk, that didn't make any sense. Remind me to never comment on your blog after a half bottle of scotch.

10:49 PM  
Blogger Michelle said...

Love no5...too funny, i love that song!

1:09 AM  
Anonymous ***SilvermOOn*** said...

Mmm- enjoyed (as always)."If I could find time in a bottle,
the first thing that I'd like to do is to spend everyday"...
All these years I've often wondered if Jim Croce loved the beach...

10:32 PM  
Blogger Bill Jones, Jr said...

How about "SEVERE BIOHAZARD!!" Do not open bottle under any circumstance!" They may not buy it, but I bet they'd go wash their hands right away.

I'm not right in the head, am I?

7:11 PM  
Blogger J said...

Masterful comedy. I am envious.

The chain bottle one is the best.

I would be seriously tempted to do that. Litterers have all the fun.

6:30 PM  
Blogger Pallavi said...

how romantic.. SIGH and I love that song.. ' never promised you a rose garden...

6:49 AM  
Blogger blogme said...

What are you looking for today?

2:43 AM  

Post a Comment

<< Home