Whose Bright Idea Was This?

Christmas is over and people worldwide are left with bandaged fingers, twisted elbows and some, with chipped teeth because of it.

Think about it for a minute and you’ll figure out what I’m referring to.

Here. Imagine some wisenheimer sitting around a conference table saying to his dozing cohorts, “Hey, I have a great idea … let’s get into the lab and create the most impenetrable crap the world has ever known then package everything into it … from shavers to toys to desk sets to Mp3 players. It’ll drive them all nuts. He he he …”

Yeah. THAT stuff.

I can't recall exactly when it all started, but it had to be at least ten years ago. Some sadistic maniac invented that hard-plastic protective, security wrap that covers everything from headphones to cameras to batteries for Pete’s sake!

The problem is twofold ~

1. You cannot open the stuff by normal means, and
2. Once you have finally worked at it long enough to get a corner of it opened, it now becomes a deadly weapon ripping apart already sensitive fingers and gums. (Yes, I've tried using my teeth. DO NOT try using your teeth.)

Somehow, they take this plastic goop and mold it perfectly to surround every possible curve and groove of the item it is intended to protect. Then they heat it to some exorbitant temperature, suck much of the air from the package and probably freeze-dry it, thereby making it impenetrable.

I know I can't be the only one suffering in the wake of this invention.

Grown men have been brought to their knees in anguish trying to get through this stuff. I've seen the military uncover shrink-wrapped Blackhawks faster than I can get at my new hairdryer.

There is also no feminine way to open such packages. You’ve just finished thanking Aunt Greta for the lovely manicure kit she carefully picked out for you, and she is sitting across the room waiting for you to try it out. Within minutes you’re a stark-raving lunatic … swearing like a sailor and stomping on the thing with everything you’ve got. Finally you flail it back at her and fall into a heap, sobbing while you wipe your own blood off the floor.

The great irony here is that you can walk into a gun shop and buy a shiny new .45 or Safari 550, point the thing at the nearest wall ~ pull the trigger and create a new window ~ all within two minutes. But lucky for us, the dreaded and deadly iPod is safely tucked just out of our reach beneath a coating of what should be called “Eterna-Seal.”

I don’t know about you but I’d sure like a suit made from this stuff. No more laundering of clothes, no more fatal car accidents, no more broken bones, we couldn't drown, and hell, if we coat our own teeth with it, no more root canal or extraction!

I would also like to get my shredded fingers around the very neck of the bastard who came up with this whole idea. If you know who he is, have your people tell my people and we can settle this nonsense once and for all.

Next Christmas, the first two things I’m putting on my list are a jackhammer and a hacksaw. Then maybe I’ll have a chance to actually open other gifts without needing stitches!

NOTE: I wrote this in late December last year and posted it at that time. Now edited somewhat ~ I still feel exactly the same way about this crap and figured what good is a rant if you can’t wear it out?

I did say that I was going to ask for a jackhammer and hacksaw this year … but instead I asked for a husband so that he could open such packages for me. It worked.