Presentation Variations

I was an A-student when it came to English.
I was an A-student when it came to English and barely ever worried that I might create a run-on sentence.
I was an A-student when it came to English and barely ever worried that I might create a run-on sentence but now I don't really give a hoot.

I used to drive a Volvo.
I used to drive a Volvo while I was dressed as a pretty little black she-mouse*.
I used to drive a Volvo while I was dressed as a pretty little black she-mouse* delivering helium balloon bouquets to children's birthday parties.

I liked this gig.
I liked this gig because I made many, many dollars.
I liked this gig because I made many, many dollars doing a minimal amount of hard labor.

I once had a dog put his nose up my very frilly skirt.
I once had a dog put his nose up my very frilly skirt while I was dressed as the pretty little black she-mouse.
I once had a dog put his nose up my very frilly skirt while I was dressed as the pretty little black she-mouse and had to endure everyone in the room pointing and laughing at such a display.

I was asked many silly, little-kid questions while my character posed for pictures with the children.
I was asked many silly, little-kid questions while my character posed for pictures with the children, such as "Why did you quit your job at Disneyland?"
I was asked many silly, little-kid questions while my character posed for pictures with the children, such as "Why did you quit your job at Disneyland?" to which I had to be truthful and reply, "Sometimes even a mouse needs a little vacation from work."

I also used to be a character similar to a popular little cowboy character** of "Toy Story" fame.
I also used to be a character similar to a popular little cowboy character** of "Toy Story" fame, but he was one of my least favorites because I couldn't nail the voice.
I also used to be a character similar to a popular little cowboy character** of "Toy Story" fame, but he was one of my least favorites because I couldn't nail the voice even after watching (and listening to) the movie over and over and over and over.

I once scolded a retiring fireman.
I once scolded a retiring fireman when I showed up dressed as a nun for his retirement party.
I once scolded a retiring fireman when I showed up dressed as a nun for his retirement party but beat tracks out of there VERY swiftly when someone in the crowd asked me "Yo, so when do you start to strip?"

I have been terribly misunderstood in my day.
I have been terribly misunderstood in my day, but particularly when I was in a male gorilla costume at an anniversary party.
I have been terribly misunderstood in my day, but particularly when I was in a male gorilla costume at an anniversary party and someone approached me whispering, "Dude, stick around afterward and I'll give you a cold one to take with you in your car."

Sometimes this gig just didn't pay me enough.
Sometimes this gig just didn't pay me enough, like the time I was dressed as a certain purple dinosaur***.
Sometimes this gig just didn't pay me enough, like the time I was dressed as a certain purple dinosaur*** and my tail got humped by a rather bullish German Shepard as I presented my balloon bouquet to a three year old child in her backyard.

And that was nothing.
And that was nothing compared with another excruciatingly embarrassing situation I found myself in while portraying the same idiotic character.
And that was nothing compared with another excruciatingly embarrassing situation I found myself in while portraying the same idiotic character ~ but that one will be a post all it's own in the very near future.

Some songs can get sickening after awhile.
Some songs can get sickening after awhile, particularly the "I Love You, You Love Me" song.
Some songs can get sickening after awhile, particularly the "I Love You, You Love Me" song, which - if I hear again, I shall take out the sharpest item in my purse and pierce the larynx of the singer - without flinching.

I've been trying to cut back on the length of my posts.
I've been trying to cut back on the length of my posts because I know many people are pressed for time while blog-visiting.
I've been trying to cut back on the length of my posts because I know many people are pressed for time while blog-visiting and I have a history of burning out people's retinas with one single entry.

So how'm I doin' ?



*Minnie Mouse - but we weren't allowed to use the name. Thank you greedy people at the Malt Fisney and various other corporations.
**Woody (see above)
***three guesses but they all have to start with a B and end in a Y

Itsy Bits

<> I think my husband should get himself on the news and claim to be the father of Anna Nicole Smith's little girl. Why not? Everyone else is trying to jump on that bandwagon. Goodness gracious - will they all just stop it already?

<> I used to enjoy watching America's Funniest Videos on Sunday evenings while eating our supper but that's changed. For the past few months, at least one time on every single show, they show a clip of somebody puking - either a baby puking into dad's mouth while he holds her up in the air, a boy puking during his first Communion ceremony in church, a best man puking at the altar during a wedding ... etc. I realize I'm an emetophobe anyway, but could someone tell me ... is there a shortage on what's really "funny" nowadays?

<> Yesterday in the news, a dog in Florida swallowed a palm-size pond turtle. When the dog's owner noticed the turtle gone from its tub and realized the dog had been in the vicinity, she phoned the veteranarian's office and they told her to induce vomiting. The dog eventually vomited the turtle and BOTH lived. Imagine this? In this case, perhaps the vomiting was a tiny bit funny though I'm still not sure. The dog probably ended up a bit shell-shocked (oh god, I'm sorry for that).

<> When I was a young girl, everyone called me Carrie. I believe it was my Godfather who initiated it, but it really stuck. During high school, Stephen King's book "Carrie" came out and I got tired of all the cracks about how evil I must be, so I changed the spelling of my nickname to Cari instead. That was the first name I went by all my life until I moved to this state and started a new job where "Cari" just never caught on. I became Carol again and have been since.

<> My dad gave me a collection of silver dollars when I was a little girl. He used to get them sometimes in his tip cup while playing piano at clubs. They were only worth a buck apiece and I'm sure they wouldn't ever have been worth more than that, but my heart was seriously broken when I later lived alone in New Jersey and had the entire collection stolen when my apartment was burglarized. The cops found out the coins were spent at a nearby bar when some guy used them toward buying rounds for everyone in the place. Somehow, knowing their fate upset me even more.

<> We watched "Saw III" this weekend. Though I'm not big on the blood/guts, cut 'em up, eat 'em alive type of horror films, this series is different. I mean, they have all that and more, but they offer something special as well. Throughout much of the movie, I'm seriously enrapt and on the edge of my seat - which I DO look for in a horror film. Writers who can make the the roots of my hair go cold from fright ... oh boy ... those folks have a rare talent.

<> As it turns out, I guess I admire Diane Keaton. Here's a woman who, for whatever reasons, has never changed her style since she starred in "Annie" a million years ago. It's not like it's a bad style, but neither is it anything to write home about. You know, that plain Jane look - simply cut hair with little girl bangs, thinly framed eyeglasses, usually a jacket of some sort over a skirt or slacks - mostly casual but sometimes she even shows up with an awful man-tie. Still - say what you will - she has never sold herself out to what's popular or sexy. She's never worn "someone" ... rather she wears comfy clothes and a hairstyle that clearly work for her. Go Diane.

<> It feels good to be back to blogging, but it's sort of like getting into a swimming pool after the weather's been cool for awhile ... one toe at a time, then an ankle, a leg - till you get acclimated to it. It's a slow process but the final result will be rewarding and fun - I'm sure of this!

A Tad Haggard, But Back Fo Mo

Has it been forever or what? Phew.
Well I'm here - in spite of myself and of life ... I'm here and willing to spew more ponderings every now and again .

Some days my desire to write is so strong I can barely stand it. Everything comes to mind and yet nothing lasts along the journey from brain to fingertips. It truly pains me in places many people don't know they own.

Today I sit as comfortably as possible; hot tea at my left side and to my right, nothingness replacing the spot my ashtray once occupied. I have quit smoking and sometimes I wonder "at what cost?" It has been six weeks since I've tasted tobacco. I miss it so. If you cannot grasp that concept, read no further ... nothing I'll be writing today could interest or touch you in the least.

My smoking habit was both my worst enemy and best friend for nearly 23 years. The release it offered me was almost indescribable. I could be stressed to the max or so low that crying didn't even feel worth it - but light up a cigarette and the darkness started to lessen up a little bit with each toke - or at least, that's how it seemed. For me, what it translated to was a cross between, "I can handle anything that comes my way as long as I know there's a cigarette in it for me at the end" and "Oh yes! I deserve this marvelous treat."

There were cigarettes in between the stresses too. I mean, who could survive twenty three years of uninterrupted tension? Impossible. And so, I freely admit that many of the butts I smoked were wasted on physical habit. Many. Oh the dollars ... I can't begin to think along those lines ... I could drive myself mad!

I clearly recall dozens, no hundreds of times ... maybe even thousands of times when I was actually bothered by the smoke from my own cigarette, or the fact that I had one less free hand at the moment; the fact that I was forced to freeze my ass off so that I may enjoy my habit of choice. Still, it was worth it.

I cannot tell you that my cigarettes tasted particularly good, yet strangely, if I couldn't find my brand, I wasn't easily satisfied with another. I didn't like the heaviness in my chest on cold days or anytime I had to exert myself. But a silly thing like my lungs wearing thin or my heart aching for calm wasn't going to stop me from giving in to my need for a smoke. Uh uh.

One of those annoying non-smokers once asked me why I wanted to punish myself with this self-destructive habit. The great irony is that I felt it would be even worse than self-punishing to give them up - but try explaining that to someone who can't see beyond their life's windshield.

I referred to "annoying" non-smokers so I might as well stop here to offer explanation. With as much tenacity as I have vowed to quit, I also vowed never to become annoying about it. I hereby claim the following types to be "annoying" and will stand behind this claim for the remainder of my days:

* Any FORMER smoker who has successfully quit and claims "If I could do it, anyone can." To them I say ... how DARE you presume to know me. You don't walk in my shoes or live in my soul - you have no idea what motivates me or what drags my ego through the mud. It's lovely that you were able to quit - it's absurd that you figure your own success to be some sort of warped, official guideline for others.

* Any person who is an alcoholic (either admittedly or in denial) - who has a dependency on pharmaceuticals - who has an eating disorder, particularly those who are clearly obese - or who is reliant on any other form of evil habit and still has the audacity to tell me smoking isn't good for my health. To them I say ... people who live in glass houses should always wear clothes ... or ... where's your self control? ... or ... Show me da money, bucko.

* Anyone who has never so much as entertained thoughts of holding, no less inhaling a cigarette - yet feels they can dish out quitting tips - or suggests that quitting should be easy ... "After all, it's not like you need it." To them I say, you wanna make a fuckin bet?

As I sit here now, I strain against the urge to watch my smoke curl its way up to the ceiling ... I strain against the urge to reach and toke. I strain against the urge to pause - rereading and checking my writing as I move along - and to enjoy a couple of hits off a glorious, sexy and comforting cigarette. Good Christ, this is such a test.

Do I seek a pat on the back? Why yes, as a matter of fact. I do. I've gotten several since I stopped enjoying cigarettes and I feel they are well deserved not to mention soaked up like a dry sponge to spilled milk.

I'm still waiting to feel some sudden rush of great overall health; it hasn't happened yet.

I'm still waiting for the after-dinner yearning to lessen; that one is far and away the strongest, and the bad news is that my father who quit around 25 years ago claims he still gets that particular nicotine craving on occasion.

I'm still waiting to be able to sit comfortably at my familiar old computer desk in my familiar old room where smoking was my warmly welcomed and openly invited guest and where it was most often greatly enjoyed; this hasn't happened yet either. I'm still pretty uncomfortable in here.

BUT ... the good news is that my hair smells delicious, my blood pressure has gone down some, my clothing smells like softener, my morning mouth no longer tastes like skunk-funk, my skin feels a little softer and I now get to eat all the shit that will probably kill me in an altogether different way than would the frigging nicotine. Hm, wait ... An excuse to gain weight ? ... second to pregnancy, this is the bomb!