A Hag of a Different Color
I’ve had a particularly bad day. I would like very much to pick up the phone and engage a psychological counselor today. I won’t. After having been involved years ago in an emotional workout of sorts, the one thing that resounds in my head at the bottom of each session was “Well, our time is up, how does Tuesday look for you?”
It didn’t matter if I was near catatonic at that point or completely awash of hot, briny tears …when time was up, time was just plain up. It’s difficult to neatly squeeze into one fifty-minute session a) things you’ve kept buried beneath your skin for a half a lifetime in the name of remaining socially acceptable, and b) things that will undoubtedly create a profound need for at least two more consecutive fifty-minute sessions just so that you can compose yourself enough to drive home.
Since I don’t wish to be silenced in such an icy cold manner, I’ll hold my own little session here – in blog format. When I’m done, I’ll let YOU know, how’s that?
Blank WP page: What would you like to talk about today, Hag?
WH: Today, I’m miserable. I’m not sure where to begin. For starters, everyone hates me, okay maybe that’s a bit harsh, but I’m so completely hate-able that it amazes even me.
BWPP: Hate? That’s a strong word. Can you elaborate?
WH: Of course, I can. But just for the record, before I’m through even you will probably find cause to hate me. Fair warning.
BWPP: Even me? I doubt that, please continue.
WH: I smoke. Everyone hates smokers. Except other smokers of course, who I suppose are all to be considered useless murderers as well, so there’s that. They all hate me because I smoke.
BWPP: Well I don’t see that as hate, really. It’s probably more like disgust or anger, don’t you think?
WH: Oh and that’s supposed to make me feel a whole lot better? So you’re saying they are disgusted by me and rather than going for anger management or hey, just ignoring my smoking ass, they’ll just be permitted to bombard me with their double-barrel, righteous and often rude bullshit as IF I haven’t heard it all before … as IF it’s going to make a difference. See where I’m going with this? But it’s not just the smoking.
BWPP: Hmm. I’d like to come back to the smoking issue, but go on.
WH: I drive an SUV. Need I say more?
BWPP: Well … no.
WH: Well I’m going to. I drive it roughly once a week to a grocery store, but do they bother to even get to know that? No. They need somebody to hate and I’m pick of the liter.
BWPP: That’s probably just frustration on their parts … you know, concern for the environment, concern over gas and economy, that sort of thing – not really “hate.”
WH: Stop trying to sugarcoat things. I’m big on words. I pay close attention to words. People HATE SUV owners/drivers and that’s all there is to it. And they hate us because, basically, they’re told they should; stupid can’t-think-for-themselves, ignorant and arrogant asses.
BWPP: Okay, we can come back to this also. Why else would people hate you?
WH: I’m overweight. Not obese, but overweight. The only ones who don't hate me for this are other folks of too much weight. Again, I’m a full fledged member of a club nobody wants to be part of … it hasn’t gotten to the point where they stop and stare, but I read things. I listen. I hear their message loud and clear, “You’re a chunk butt so you suck.”
BWPP: I’m not sure that’s entirely fair. I think most people are just concerned about your health.
WH: I’m not paying them to be concerned about my fucking health.
But that’s not all.
BWPP: What more could there be?
WH: I’m wishy washy about politics.
BWPP: I, for one, love you for that!
WH: Thank you, but most see me as part of “the problem.” I don’t stand up and fight and speak in loud tones about awful political situations – I sit back quietly and observe and wonder who will resolve them, if ever? People hate that crap.
BWPP: No, I won’t give you that one. Many, many people just sit back silently and never take an active stand. You do vote, don’t you?
WH: When there’s someone decent to vote for, sure. It’s just that there so rarely is. Can we move on? I’m feeling sexually harassed, but without the sexual part. I’m uncomfortable.
BWPP: Sure. There can’t be much more though, right?
WH: I had a child out of wedlock, I’ve been married three times, I quit high school in the second year, I refuse to jump on the accusation bandwagon where Jacko is concerned, I used to be a vegetarian and they hated me for that. Now I eat meat and they hate me for that. I listen to … hold onto your seat … I love jazz and funky music – I even like certain types of rap, I’m disorganized, I’m forgetful, I was born in New York City, maintain much of the accent, and my dearest friend left on this earth, aside from my daughter and Ed, is a well educated, amazingly articulate black woman straight out of Harlem. Um, wait … I’m sure there’s something else…
BWPP: I don’t think any of that stuff is reason for anyone to hate you.
WH: Neither do I. But they do. Someone out there, maybe even someone reading this session right now is wishing at least one of those things wasn’t so. Hell, you probably do too.
BWPP: Well again Hag, I think it comes down to anger, frustration, misunderstanding; perhaps just ethnic, religious or well, social differences, that’s all. I don’t think it has much to do with hate at all.
WH: So you’re saying I’m wrong then? All washed up? A total screwball? A freaking nutjob? You think I haven’t lived long enough to read through all that stuff you just went on about? It’s hatred I tell you – hatred. I’m just feeling so – grrrr – hateful about this.
BWPP: AaaHA. I think I hear you saying that YOU are the hateful one. Is that so?
WH: Kiss my ass.
BWPP: I think we’re making progress here.
WH: Progress THIS you bastard (flips bird at computer screen).
BWPP: This is SO unlike the usual Hag I hear from so often. You’re swearing more today than ever before. Interesting. It’s another whole side of you that rarely emerges. Why do you think that is?
WH: pauses to take it all in and consider the possibility
WH: twitches in seat
WH: plays with hair … curls it around finger
WH: thinks – crosses one leg over the other
WH: Maybe I just don’t want people to hate me. Maybe that’s why I don’t unleash the beast very often.
BWPP: Oh but you claim people hate you anyway? Even when you’re nicey nice and sweet and proper?
WH: So what’s your point?
BWPP: I don’t know. What’s yours?
WH: I don’t know. Isn’t that what I’m paying you for?
BWPP: But this was a free session.
WH: Point taken. Well, at least I feel better.
BWPP: How so?
WH: Maybe “better” isn’t the right word … I feel more comfy in my yucky, disgusting, disagreeable, unattractive, out-of-the-ordinary, under-educated, non-political, overly sensitive skin. Yeah, that’s the ticket.
BWPP: Good then, so today was a success.
WH: So what are you trying to say? You wanna make something of it? You wanna take this outside? You want a piece of me too?
My time is up. How does a week from today sound to you?